I am with Harvey that it was really, really hard to read all of that. And you have been living it... I am so, so sorry. It sounds truly truly awful.
From what you describe of him, he doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be married to or live with. It made my heart hurt to read about the incident prior to you two sleeping together, the two EAs and the gaslighting, the blame, the fights, the badmouthing to friends and family, the christmas card addressed to him and your child but not to you. I am no psychiatrist but he reads like someone with a personality disorder, potentially.
Have you read AlisonUK's thread? You might-- there are some similarities to how her H behaves, though (I never thought I'd say this) his behavior does not come across as extreme as your H's. I saw she posted on your thread earlier and I don't know if she's around these days, but if she is, I think she could be very helpful for you. Boundaries helped her a ton and you might spend some time thinking about where you might draw the line in terms of how you allow yourself to be treated by this person.
I totally get the not wanting to live apart from your child, at all. Absolutely. Can I ask you a really hard question, though? Do you want your son to grow up thinking that it is normal for a man to treat his wife the way he is treating you? I really don't think it is okay, 1hedlite. It feels abusive, to me, as an outsider reading about it. It really is not okay.
And also, why do you want to have sex with your H when he acts so horribly towards you? I understand the physical release part, but the part about wanting an H who desires, protects and cherishes you, and thinking about ML as an expression of that love... I'm so, so sorry, 1hedlite. But from what you describe of your H and your relationship with him, it seems like the love between you two doesn't really exist, and so you're looking for something that really cannot happen. I do not know, from what you describe of him, that he is even capable of truly loving another human being. (If you're looking for the physical side, they make some really nice vibrators these days. Just saying. ;))
You might also reach out to Scout on the MLC thread. Her H was emotionally abusive towards her and it took her some time to be able to name it. She may also have some advice for you.
To be honest, I don't know that I have any real advice for you right now, but just wanted to tell you that I read your story and I am sending all the caring I can through the internet to you. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Perhaps talking to an IC if you aren't right now could help, reading about narcissistic personality disorder and working on your boundaries could be a good step.
(((1hedlite)))
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
