Your husband has anger issues and lots of others, too. Especially if he blames you coming and going. Are you certain that he doesn't have good reason for his anger? Did you stray from the marriage in the past? Does he resent the fact that you had prior lovers before marriage? Have you flaunted such?
I agree that he has anger issues and lots of others, as do I. I don't proclaim that he doesn't have good reason for his anger - he may or may not have good reason. No, I did not stray, and I don't think he resents that I had lovers prior to him. He is the only man I've ever had sexual intercourse with. He was my first and only real relationship. He, on the other hand, had countless women before me and kind of has flaunted such. This is the first marriage for both, and our child is the only child for both.
Originally Posted by tom_h
I find this deeply disturbing. He is projecting on you his own inadequacy. He is refusing to have sex, and blaming you that he isn't interested? It's good that he is in IC, he needs it.
Yes, he is blaming me. He has a pattern of blaming me even for things that objectively aren't my fault. But I'm not necessarily saying he's wrong about the issue being a failure on my part to seduce him. I am failing to seduce him - that's a fact.
Originally Posted by tom_h
I wonder if there isn't more going on here than meets the eye. Sometimes childhood sexual abuse, or date rape, can lead to huge sexual issues. Only you would know if such is the case. Not that it happened to your husband, but if an older man or woman abused him as a child, this could lead to major-league feelings of anger and inadequacy. Or maybe he has mother issues that are unresolved; especially if he thought his mother might be sexually loose or slutty after an affair or a separation/divorce from his father.
There absolutely is more to the story, so much more, known or unknown to me. I plan to say more about what I know, to add context. It just takes a lot for me to collect my thoughts. I don't know about childhood sexual abuse or mother issues. His parents had been married for more than 50 years when his father died. His mother didn't even drive a car.
You may be onto something about mother issues, though, I don't know. My husband was extremely close to his mother, who passed away a few years ago. I was in the hospital giving birth to our child when she was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia, and she went downhill, passing away 7 months later. He was in his 20s when he had his first girlfriend, the one he lost his virginity to, and she was old enough to be his mother. He tended to date women his age or significantly older than him, women with multiple children who were done with childbearing. He is older than me by a decade.
Sometime back, I saw on his computer that he had attempted to download a video from a cougar porn site many years ago when we were just dating. It was a failed attempt, like a partially downloaded video that wouldn't play, and the source was a cougar porn site. But I also saw other failed attempts to download videos from other kinds of porn sites. So, I don't know.
As for what you suggest I do, I guess the key is "Without complaining or expecting to be acknowledged for it." Every so often, I immerse myself in doing what you suggest, except I attach it to whether I get any sex from my husband as a result. Occupying myself with the things you mentioned, my mood is lifted. Sometimes (not always), my husband is then delighted and curious to know what's up. But then a month passes with still no sex, and I get sour again.
Yes, he seems to like the MTM kisses. If I can achieve the "Without complaining or expecting to be acknowledged for it" part, then doing what you suggest would at least be good for occupying myself and lifting my mood. But as for "melting down his exterior," I don't know.
