Recap: Very briefly, H had a two year long distance affair, came (mostly) clean about a year ago after a lot of trickle truth but very ambivalent, she might be the love of his life, blah blah blah. We're now three months into reconciliation attempt #3 (maybe 2.5, since I don't know if we should really count the trip we took in August when he was NC with AP as a reconciliation attempt-- more like a break from hostilities). First time in Feb he said they were NC but it was more like 99% not 100% NC, she got back in touch in late May, blew up again, waffling for a couple months. We went on a family trip in August supposedly to try to begin to reconcile and he was NC with AP, but within a week of returning he was back in touch with her and wanted to S/D. I said, OK. We worked out all the basic details on finances and custody, he found an apartment, and we were working on what to tell the children (D8 and D10, who have zero idea anything is wrong). Then, H said he got to the very precipice of D, needing to pull the trigger on the apartment, and realized he can't do it, he doesn't want to D. He came clean on a number of final lies, including pulling out a box of memorabilia he had from the A and throwing everything in the garbage in front of me. That was mid-September. Wow. Feels like a long time ago.
Doing these recaps and re-reading my previous recaps is kind of an interesting exercise. I actually feel I've come a pretty long way in the last month, reading my last recap. Here's a quick inventory of where I am:
-- I believe and trust he's been NC with AP. We have 100% transparency, device passwords, all the rest. I realized yesterday looking at him on his phone that it no longer occurs to me to wonder if he is talking to her. A couple of months ago, I was still checking up on him regularly on WhatsApp to see when he was last active. I haven't done that in weeks.
-- Even though I clearly still have a lot of anger and pain to process, it feels much reduced from where I was a month ago, when it was truly overwhelming and actually frightening to me to contemplate. I was scared it would overwhelm me like a raging forest fire. Now I know I can let it come and let it out (love that punching bag) and it will pass. I also feel like I've developed healthier ways of dealing with it that I had before. So, progress here, even though I know I still have a ways to go.
-- IC has been going well, I think for both of us. He said to me the other day that he hasn't talked to IC about how he feels about AP for a month at least and he's been focused on questions of his identity (why he did what he did) and our R. I've also moved past spending every moment of my weekly IC call on my feelings around H and the A, and the last couple of calls have been focusing on some work-related stuff as well. So, that feels like progress-- IC said it seemed as though the "in crisis" mode was ending. We're in a bit of a hiatus from IC because of Christmas and an insurance snag. We have talked about MC. I think I'm ready for it. He suggested it again the other day. Previously, I did not want to go until I felt H was over AP as I have a boundary around hearing how he feels/felt about her. I'm waiting to see if H does any legwork on this on his own.
-- I feel a lot less anxiety about him rekindling the A. I'm really not worried about it. Whether that is because I feel that it is over in a way I hadn't before, or because if he does it again I have a plan, I'll execute, and I won't look back-- and there are definitely some attractions to life without worrying about how to reconcile and piece with a H who cheated-- I'm not sure. But that anxiety has abated.
-- The way H talks about the A has changed, a lot. He takes responsibility for what he did without trying to justify it immediately with the SSM (though if we talk about it long enough, we always get there eventually). He has apologized sincerely and repeatedly for hurting me, for lying, for the betrayal. I'm sitting with this because for whatever reason it doesn't feel like enough, to me. I have this fantasy of him saying it was all a horrible mistake, he only thought he was in love with her but it was just a manifestation of his own pain around the SSM, or whatever. I guess this is probably on me to figure out why what I'm hearing isn't good enough, at least isn't for me where I am right now. He said the other day that he didn't think he was "in love" with her anymore and that he was getting over her, but he is refraining from saying he's 100% over her, doesn't give a flying F about her, or whatever else I'd love to hear. Even so, I will say that this has changed a lot from three months ago. Progress, I guess, though feels sad and gross to me to have to even be measuring how attached your spouse is to another woman.
-- I have wanted to have a post-nup signed that will enshrine the agreements we made back in September for what would happen if we Ded, around finances, the house, and the kids. I would like to still have this signed for a couple of reasons-- one because I have a fear that some of the generosity was motivated by guilt and the A, and two because I want everything to be ready to go if he gets back in touch with her (or anything else happens that triggers me to walk). It feels to me somewhat of an insurance policy for deciding to try this last time to work it out rather than walk ("third time's a charm!" instead of "three strikes, you're out!") He agreed to this early on, though when it has come up since he's been reluctant. We talked about it a couple days ago and he said he still feels like it is going backwards from his perspective, but if it will make me feel better he is willing to do it.
Last Christmas, I was pretty positive that this would be the last holiday as a family. The big final BD-- the night where we were talking about him moving into the basement for three months and what that would look like, and I said something along the lines of "if you F her we are done for good" and he said "May I've been Fing her for two years"-- previously he'd only admitted to an EA that was half the length of time-- was December 30. So there are things that feel really odd and sad in prepping for Christmas and all the rest with the backdrop of what last year was like.
I've been working very hard on focusing on myself, letting go of any illusion of control over things which are not in my lane. Thinking a lot less about what is or is not going on in H's head and redirecting that energy into myself and my kids. I feel this has mostly been a positive exercise for me, though letting go is something I have to keep doing over and over-- it isn't a one-and-done for me. And, I think I also need to watch myself here, to be sure I am not letting my behavior slide from the tranquil focused-on-me detachment it is in my head into a kind of mean, IDGAF-about-you space.
Last night, we took the kids to see Christmas lights as a surprise and got ice cream. We all had a ball. It occurred to me at some point that after our last conversation, I see him for the very first time as a partner in this whole process of R. It was surprising to me, as that was one of the things I wanted more than anything in the beginning of all this mess but I never ever felt I had. It was more that we were two lonely individuals grasping our way in maybe the same direction, maybe not. I'm not sure what specifically triggered this shift in my perspective, or how valid it is. But it feels different. We will see.
Gerda, LH, Blu, OG-- I'll respond to your posts separately.
xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
