Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 3

[tom_l]

I know it's tempting to say, "but she (or he) isn't meeting my needs!" And that can be a true statement. And it's hurtful. But I know when I say, "yes, that's true, but what can I do to be a better spouse" my relationship improves and my spouse starts meeting my needs. When I focus on the ways in which he isn't meeting my needs and use that to justify not doing the things I know make him feel loved, then my marriage worsens, and my needs aren't met.

I honestly feel like this is the single most important thing to take away from DB. Meet your partner's needs, even if they aren't meeting yours. (Disclaimer: excluding abusive or toxic relationships, of course.)

You are spot on, Rose. And I want you to know that I really appreciate the fact that you remember details I wrote about a month ago; e.g., she went back to work when my eldest went off to college and that her love language was gifts of service. Thank you. To me that means you are investing some time in helping me out. Much much appreciated.

All of your indictments of me are pretty much spot on. I can't contest them. Yes, I didn't pick up much more in the way of household duties when she went back to work. I suppose that some of your feedback and commentary can be relayed her way as well, but she's not the one under analysis here, so I get it, that's immaterial. I only controlled what I did or did not do, and mostly I didn't do anything. We had patterns and even through some significant changes in circumstances, those patterns didn't change. I would still spend 8 hours on a weekend doing the things I had always done, and if there's anything I learned from the love languages exercise it's that 15 minutes of effort on the things she does care about (laundry, unloading the dishwasher) is far better than 8 hours on the things she doesn't care about (cleaning the garage, trimming the trees, changing the oil on four cars.). Lesson learned, forever: on a typical Saturday, better to spend 1 of those 8 hours on the things that fall into her love language bucket. I got religion here!

Your wife went to work when one of your kids went to college, right? What changes did you make the household and family responsibilities when she started earning money? Who cooked, cleaned, grocery shopped, kept track of the kids' schedules and needs, bought holiday presents, decorated the house, organized parties, made doctor appointments for kids, took the kids to the appointments, ditto for pets, etc., etc.?

Guilty as charged. She did them all. I wasn't sitting around the house doing nothing, but she did them all.

Are you familiar with the phrase "emotional labor"? If not, google it and think about how the emotional labor was divided in your marriage.

OK. From her perspective, the emotional labor division was 90%-10%. Not so from mine, because I was the one who sweated out the financial and legal stuff. I assume this counts as emotional labor, wondering how to make ends meet? When I started my business, which she loved and benefited from, I spent countless nights sweating things out while the rest of the family was sleeping! Also, one child had some significant learning issues, and I was the one who spent untold hours with the child tutoring, serving as a writing instructor, and advising the child through each step of applying to college from 8th grade through high school and well into college.

But, I'm not contesting your point; I learned long ago to manage to perceptions, and if she felt the family emotional burden was on her, I had to manage to that. And I didn't. She is so sensitive, I would expect that was exactly the case.

The core truth of Divorce Busting is that when one spouse changes their behavior, without waiting for their spouse to change first, the marriage can improve.

Never have truer words been spoken. From many quarters. It's nice to know that Michele, as a divorce attorney, is willing to say them out loud rather than just validate the feelings of the aggrieved.

In fact, I believe that doing what is said here is a sacrificial act. If everyone in a relationship viewed doing things sacrificially (what I mean here is doing something that you don't prefer, something that is not automatic or instinctive to you) as part of the daily routine, all relationships would be better.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

But is all of the above addressing my point, about restoring mutual respect? Doesn't respect go to the personal as well? Couples go 20 years and after awhile they don't respect each other anymore. Doesn't that have more to do with character and accomplishments and core self, and less to do with the above? I'm just canvassing for viewpoints here. Or is fixing the respect problem automatic when everything else is humming?