Husband Living a Double Life

[Oceangl]

Hi MoGirl! I'm glad you are doing better.

I want you to see clearly who he really is. Not any sort of romanticized or excused version of him. One thing that helped me was to have a page in my journal (or in notes on your phone). Where I would write reality and when I wavered would force me to see reality. Whatever works for you and applies to your sitch. For me they were things like:
My husband is willing to live a double life.
My husband lied in order to get what he wanted.
My husband makes me feel guilty in order to shut me down or get what he wants.
My husband was willing to hurt his children to in order to get what he wanted.
My husband let our children hang out with a woman he was cheating on their mother with.
My husband was devious and had secret apps and a secret stream of money.
Etc.
Etc.

Write them down when they come to you. It's pretty hard to look at that and make excuses. Reality is ugly. NOW if my H had a change of heart and was working to make it right, then I would be able to write other things below.

I want you to see clearly in a post you wrote earlier how much he uses you as his fallback excuse and uses it to emotionally manipulate you. He does not own his decisions or problems. He doesn't take personal responsibility and instead blames it on you. He's not nice to you. How attractive is that? If you your daughter told you all of this about someone she was with, what would you tell her? What would you want for her? I see that he beats you down so you are more needy and compliant. I hope this is allowed, if not I will delete it. But one thing that helped me was a book called Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. Dude. So good. It explains why we keep coming back for me and how to heal that. It has helped me tremendously to detach and make a shift.

I also want you to work on your self-esteem. I had the sex-erection issue w my H also. Him having issues and me having no clue he is deep in an affair. He now has rejected me for sex. I used to feel so depressed and rejected and worthless. I've been able to make a huge shift. The way I did it was to change my thought process. As soon as the thought/memory would pop in my head I would think, "Well, his loss!" "I'm hot and enjoy sex and other men would appreciate that in a heartbeat. this is his issue, not mine." "He is nuts to reject me. I feel sorry for him." MoGirl, it took some time, but it worked. I actually feel better about myself because of it. Your brain will believe what you tell it, so be very careful about what you tell it. When I start sliding into fear and depression, I immediately start affirming myself with truths: I am going to be just fine no matter what. It's my life, and I will be happy. Whatever resonates for you. Don't give him so much power over your happiness.

Reality also says an 18 year old is not going to stay with him long. When she uses up what she needs or when sometime else better comes along, she will be gone. Tell yourself, "who cares, she can have him. Good luck, sista."

I know you don't want a divorce. Me either. My husband doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me. I am following the DB rules for me. If it works for my relationship, then that will be a happy plus. But if not, I will be more healthy and okay. Do you pray? One thing I pray for is for God to open my eyes and see what I need to see. To help me see who he really is and reality. It has worked. I still struggle too. But these things help. Hang in there and celebrate your progress.