Husband Living a Double Life

[MoGirl]

It has been a while since my last post. Quick recap of my sitch:

Married 23 years and in Dec 2019 H told me ILYBNILWY but stated he wanted to work on the R. Of course he never made any appointments for MC and I did all the research but he would never commit to going. Then in Feb 2020, he went out of the country to see OW without telling anyone where he was going. I was worried sick and called all our family and friends. Then I found an old cell phone that he used to communicate with her and that's how I found out about the affair. It was going on for 3 years and she was his parent's housekeeper. The OW was 18 when it all began, which makes me sick to my stomach because even though she is of legal age (by U.S. standards) it makes me sick to think my H in his 40's is interested and having sex with someone younger than our daughter

A year has passed and I am in a better place but it has taken me a long time to get here. We sold the marital property back in August and we each have our own apartment. I still haven't told my extended family that we are getting a divorce. They all live out of state so it has been easier not to share. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that my husband left me for a young girl. Mentally, I know this is all about him and not me, but I feel like there is something wrong with me that caused him to stop loving me.

This has really taken its toll on my self esteem. Before the BD, we were still having sex but he would have problems keeping an erection. This would not happen all of the time, but it did happen quite frequently. At the time I thought it was a medical issue and encouraged him to go see a doctor but he would brush it off. It all made sense after I found out about the OW. After BD, he told me that his erection problems were due to him not feeling "emotionally connected" to me. I have accepted that we will get a divorce, and I went NC in October, which has helped me tremendously. I am spending time with my daughter and friends, GAL'ing as much as I can due to Covid restrictions in my area, but I am still struggling with these feelings of rejection. Reconciliation is not on the table and I'm fine with that because I could never trust him again or have sex with him again after what he has done, but I feel like I need his validation to prove I am a good and attractive person.

I know this is immature but I want him to want me, so I can reject him.