2) You don't tip your hand that you've been snooping
The thing is I've stopped snooping but she still leaves obvious breadcrumbs. She told me she had stopped Tinder but I don't think she realizes a green icon pops up next to your name if you've been active within 24 hours. Back before I deleted the app, it was obvious she hadn't stopped. Going through the bank statements, which I always have done because I've gotten screwed in the past with false charges, and seeing charges for other dating sites. Amazon popping up "recently viewed" items that I didn't look at and are obviously not gifts for me. Etc. I feel like I can call her on a lot of activities without even snooping. The other thing is I can't prove anything about the OM, other than it's completely obvious, because I haven't snooped. All signs point to it, but there's no smoking gun. There are smoking guns of being on dating sites, for sure, and that is enough for me to call out though. The real sad thing is if she's on dating sites AND with OM. Jesus.
Quote
2) Depending on how you handle it you demonstrate strength and establish a boundary about how you will allow yourself to be treated
This x1000! This is what I want.
Quote
If you choose to confront her, I would just make sure your expectations are set appropriately. If you're expecting remorse, an apology, or an admission of guilt you won't get it.
I don't really have expectations because I have no idea what to expect. Usually when confronted she doubles down on whatever it is she's done and justifies it. I just want her to know I'm not an idiot and I'm not going to continue things this way.
Quote
2) You will not accept being with someone who is in a relationship with someone else, therefore you want her to ( whatever you want consequences)
(Think about what you're going to do if she says "no")
Here's where I stumble. My first thought is the consequence will be "I'm done." However, is that true? Part of me says Hell yes it is! On the other hand I've read don't do anything along the lines of ending things for 3 months after so you can make a more informed decision. At this time my thought is the consequence will be - no more family dinners, no more "playing" family, and absolutely nobody else allowed in the studio. How to enforce the last one, still working on. However, I am much more observant than she is and she's not as good at hiding things as she thinks she is.
Quote
3) Think about anything else you want to do -- if she's texting him on a phone you're paying for, tell her you're going to cancel her mobile plan/phone and she can go get her own if she wants to use it to text with OM
This is something else I'm trying to work out. Our finances are 100% combined and we both make good money, so it isn't as if I am the bread-winner in this situation. If anything I'm thinking of setting up a separate account in my name and switching my direct deposit over to it. But not there yet.
Quote
Prepare yourself for the fact that this will temporarily make things worse between you. Think about it and mentally prepare for it, how will you act after the confrontation? How will you handle yourself? Start practicing for that in advance. Strength is the key here.
Thank you for this. I am going to start practicing and I am going to be patient. Like I keep saying, I don't want to ruin Xmas any more than it already is for the kids. I will put on a happy face, be aloof, play along, and prepare. I figure the new year is best time for a change (if I can make it that long) and that will give me time to hopefully get all my ducks in a row.
