Does anyone else have a night where they are just mad?? I mean so mad?
I think it's a good thing he is out of town this week. It gives me more space and less pressure. I can take the opportunity to just feel it and hopefully work through it.
Our MC gave us an assignment I didn't want to do. To write 3 things we can do for the other, and 3 things we need from them. Well, I've worked really hard to not need anything from him or expect it. But I did the dumb assignment (I sound like I'm 3, lol). I decided to go for it and I put that I needed to have hard conversations daily. I asked for support with the kids regarding chores, etc, and also to connect with me 15 mins a day. I KNOW he won't do it. But I did it anyway. The things I offered were to listen to him calmly and respectfully when he tells me how he feels, to respect his opinions, and to do the best to have a peaceful Christmas.
His list: He offered to 1. cook breakfasts for me 2. spend time with me or as a family taking walks drives or other active activities and 3. while on vacation after Christmas to make sure we were able to do the Christmas events I want to do also. He will help plan and make sure they happen (this is because last year we only did what he wanted). What he needs from me: 1. be friendly, in good spirits and supportive while staying with his family 2. be consistent with him and the kids 3. enjoy the time we have with the families, enjoy the activities where we are all together.
His list super pissed me off because first, I have never wanted him to make breakfast for me. I like to cook and its not something I need or appreciate. I mean of course I DO appreciate it, but it's not a big thing for me. When he asked a couple of years ago I made a list of things that I do appreciate and want. That's not on it. And what he wants from me -- I don't even know what 'be consistent' is about, but I do know he wants me to be happy and bubbly all the time. He doesn't want me to ever cry or have a hard time. I don't know if I've written about it here, but I did all the healing after his 2 year A on my own. He didn't want anything to do with it and felt like if I cried it was because I wanted to make him feel bad or I was being manipulative. And the OW in his eyes was happy all the time. Listen, I think if I were having an A and never had to worry about kids, bills, laundry, life, etc, with someone I would be dang happy all the time, too. Even with all that has happened, I think I've done an amazing job and am usually pretty happy most of the time -- for me, not to be something for him. And I am always friendly to his family, I play games and hang out with them, so I'm not sure what that is about. I am sure that there is defensiveness surfacing here on my part, but I am so sensitive to criticism since I felt criticized for so long.
I'm embarrassed for doing the assignment as I knew it was a no-win in the first place.
So I'm mad tonight because of it, and I'm mad because this could very well be our last Christmas as a together-family-unit and that's heavy to carry. I'm mad because I want to ask him to move out next month. I'm mad because I might be divorced and I don't want to lose my house. Not for materialistic reasons, but because we bought this house on a short sale and I've worked so hard to fix it up. I love it, and I love my great oak trees in the backyard that have brought me so much happiness.
I'm mad because I believe she will always be amazing in his eyes, I'm mad that he loved her, I'm mad that there is a comparison, and I'm mad I'm in a bad situation and it's going to be brutal to get out of it all.
I just don't know how to respond to anything and I'm so tired. I have to apologize because I'm not sure this post made any sense at all.
Last edited by Oceangl; 12/17/2004:07 AM.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
