Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 3

[Rose888]

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

On to another of my 180s, on my list. We've been sort of handling empathy and vulnerability together over the last 50 comments, yet maybe I should bring up another one now: Respect, especially mutual respect.

There is no doubt that there had been a dearth of respect, in either direction, by the time my STBXW walked out. I had been beaten down by the personal fights I was having (lawsuits, mentioned earlier) and I believe in my heart that she had difficulty respecting this man, her husband, who didn't convey strength, especially in times of adversity. In a sense, I can't blame her -- I was always the one who took on the hard challenges. Countless times, whether it was her getting laid off when she was pregnant (yes, that stuff still happened in 1995) or getting her through planning her parents' funerals. She had married me because I projected strength, projected confidence and vision, and here I was not projecting such. I couldn't earn money while I fought off the lawsuits, so the financial impact was twofold -- no income coming in, and money going out to pay for lawyers. An older, far more traditional friend of mine, in his late 70s, quickly guessed that this might have been part or all of the problem. Another friend said that financial issues are the cause of 50% of divorces, according to surveys. [But that doesn't seem to be the case for DBers here on the forum.]

But the lack of respect went the other way, too. Guilty as charged. The SSM began within months after we came back from our honeymoon. Now, looking back, I can see that -- if our marriage was ultimately doomed -- it began back then. I did the love languages thing recently and three were almost tied for first -- 30% was touch and tied at 28% were words of affirmation and quality time. So now I can see that perhaps the seeds of the demise of the marriage began back then. She was indifferent to, and at times afraid of, sex. Me, on the other hand, I am a classic romantic who loves romance, sensuality and the physicality of sex. We muddled through of course, had 3 children in 6 years, and created a family and a home. Yet, we didn't communicate well most of the time, and didn't share a lot. Oh, we worked on things and sometimes it got better, but the physical side was always controlled by her and she rationed it. Big time. So I was both love, affection, and sex-starved. It took me awhile to realize but that was why I was testy all the time, too. She thought she was being a good spouse by raising three polite and respectful children and keeping a clean house with food in the pantry. She was so far from the formula for me.

So how does a couple go so long when they are so completely in denial about what the other one needs? Sigh.

Anyway, she didn't respect me for probably the past 12 years. I can see the signs, looking back. I probably disrespected her for even longer. Thinking back, I can even recall a few times when she asked me to come grocery shopping with her just to keep her company, and I would grumble "not unless it's a big grocery run and you need another hand. There's a football game I want to watch." It was stupid of me, to be sure, but it was my automatic reply to her pushing my hand away, the night before, when I got home from a 5-day business trip and only wanted to immerse myself into my family and have some intimate time with her. I recall many other times when I would arrange "Dad fun" outings with the kids just to get away from the house, because it was tense. Almost to prove to her that while she might be frosty, the kids adored me.

So ... above is some of the history. But how do you ensure it doesn't happen again? What do I need to do, as 180s, to be sure I never disrespect my future dates, and future mate? What do I do to ensure that she doesn't fall into that trap?

Thanks for comments.

My typical posting style is very brief, and I can tell from things you have said to me and about me that that comes across to you as not supportive. So I'm going to try to use what feels to me like way too many words, because I think there is something important you are not seeing and that seeing it would be valuable to you.

You seem to have learned a lot about yourself and what you need to feel loved. That's important, and that can be hard work. But I don't see you putting yourself in your wife's shoes and looking at it from her perspective. You talk about what *you* needed when you came home from a 5-day business trip and how you were hurt by her rejecting your advances. What do you think your return felt like from her perspective? You said her love language is gifts of service. What would have felt loving to her in that moment?

I know business travel can be exhausting, but so can being the person staying home and taking care of the kids. The person traveling might have jet lag, but they probably also had someone cleaning their hotel room. They probably got to go out to eat at restaurants and choose from a variety of food options, none of which they had to cook or clean up after. Meanwhile, the person at home doesn't have jet lag or the hassles of travel, but also has to cook, clean, do laundry, and take care of kids. The level of effort varies depending on the ages and numbers and personalities of the kids, but even easy-going teenagers take energy and time. And toddlers are flat out exhausting. Did you try to meet her needs before you sought to get yours met?

Or let's take another situation. Your wife went to work when one of your kids went to college, right? What changes did you make the household and family responsibilities when she started earning money? Who cooked, cleaned, grocery shopped, kept track of the kids' schedules and needs, bought holiday presents, decorated the house, organized parties, made doctor appointments for kids, took the kids to the appointments, ditto for pets, etc., etc.? Are you familiar with the phrase "emotional labor"? If not, google it and think about how the emotional labor was divided in your marriage.

The core truth of Divorce Busting is that when one spouse changes their behavior, without waiting for their spouse to change first, the marriage can improve.

I know it's tempting to say, "but she (or he) isn't meeting my needs!" And that can be a true statement. And it's hurtful. But I know when I say, "yes, that's true, but what can I do to be a better spouse" my relationship improves and my spouse starts meeting my needs. When I focus on the ways in which he isn't meeting my needs and use that to justify not doing the things I know make him feel loved, then my marriage worsens, and my needs aren't met.

I honestly feel like this is the single most important thing to take away from DB. Meet your partner's needs, even if they aren't meeting yours. (Disclaimer: excluding abusive or toxic relationships, of course.)