On to another of my 180s, on my list. We've been sort of handling empathy and vulnerability together over the last 50 comments, yet maybe I should bring up another one now: Respect, especially mutual respect.
There is no doubt that there had been a dearth of respect, in either direction, by the time my STBXW walked out. I had been beaten down by the personal fights I was having (lawsuits, mentioned earlier) and I believe in my heart that she had difficulty respecting this man, her husband, who didn't convey strength, especially in times of adversity. In a sense, I can't blame her -- I was always the one who took on the hard challenges. Countless times, whether it was her getting laid off when she was pregnant (yes, that stuff still happened in 1995) or getting her through planning her parents' funerals. She had married me because I projected strength, projected confidence and vision, and here I was not projecting such. I couldn't earn money while I fought off the lawsuits, so the financial impact was twofold -- no income coming in, and money going out to pay for lawyers. An older, far more traditional friend of mine, in his late 70s, quickly guessed that this might have been part or all of the problem. Another friend said that financial issues are the cause of 50% of divorces, according to surveys. [But that doesn't seem to be the case for DBers here on the forum.]
But the lack of respect went the other way, too. Guilty as charged. The SSM began within months after we came back from our honeymoon. Now, looking back, I can see that -- if our marriage was ultimately doomed -- it began back then. I did the love languages thing recently and three were almost tied for first -- 30% was touch and tied at 28% were words of affirmation and quality time. So now I can see that perhaps the seeds of the demise of the marriage began back then. She was indifferent to, and at times afraid of, sex. Me, on the other hand, I am a classic romantic who loves romance, sensuality and the physicality of sex. We muddled through of course, had 3 children in 6 years, and created a family and a home. Yet, we didn't communicate well most of the time, and didn't share a lot. Oh, we worked on things and sometimes it got better, but the physical side was always controlled by her and she rationed it. Big time. So I was both love, affection, and sex-starved. It took me awhile to realize but that was why I was testy all the time, too. She thought she was being a good spouse by raising three polite and respectful children and keeping a clean house with food in the pantry. She was so far from the formula for me.
So how does a couple go so long when they are so completely in denial about what the other one needs? Sigh.
Anyway, she didn't respect me for probably the past 12 years. I can see the signs, looking back. I probably disrespected her for even longer. Thinking back, I can even recall a few times when she asked me to come grocery shopping with her just to keep her company, and I would grumble "not unless it's a big grocery run and you need another hand. There's a football game I want to watch." It was stupid of me, to be sure, but it was my automatic reply to her pushing my hand away, the night before, when I got home from a 5-day business trip and only wanted to immerse myself into my family and have some intimate time with her. I recall many other times when I would arrange "Dad fun" outings with the kids just to get away from the house, because it was tense. Almost to prove to her that while she might be frosty, the kids adored me.
So ... above is some of the history. But how do you ensure it doesn't happen again? What do I need to do, as 180s, to be sure I never disrespect my future dates, and future mate? What do I do to ensure that she doesn't fall into that trap?
