On my way to jiu-jitsu tonight I was listening to The Four Agreements audiobook and had a bit of an epiphany. I've been so gutted, so torn up about all this. Thinking of her and what she's doing constantly. Almost envying her. Then there was a part in the book, and I don't remember what it was exactly, but the word pity popped into my head. And I realized, I shouldn't be envying her, I should be pitying her. She's so confused, she has no idea what she wants, she thinks she's finding happiness but it's only going to be superficial, and she's going to ruin her family and relationships with friends. What's to envy? And suddenly the pit in my stomach released a little and I realized I'm the one who has it good. I'm the one working to be a better person, who has sons who love him and friends to count on. If things don't work out, I will be 100% fine and I am also 100% she won't be. My only worry about that is we are stuck together in some way, shape, or form for the rest of our lives because of the boys so I want her to be as ok as possible for my own sanity down the road. So instead of moping and crying I need to remember to see this as a gift and to not let it go to waste. If she asks how I'm doing, the answer is sofa king good!!!
p.s. God I love jiu-jitsu and highly recommend it. Nothing like 2 hours of someone trying to choke you or break your arms and legs to get your focus back!
This reminds me of a story about a family we know. They were the typical American family. They had met at a young age, had 3 kids. After the kids were old enough she went back to work after being a SAHM and raising her 3 kids. She eventually met another guy through work, and had an affair. When it came out of course she claimed that she had been unhappy, and that working and meeting this new guy was making her happy.
Her kids (2 grown adults now, the other mid teenage years) abandoned her. Her husband D'd her (adultery was a deal-breaker for him). She left, married the new guy, and started her new life. Her oldest daughter met a wonderful guy, got engaged. She planned her wedding without her mom. Sent her mom and invitation like you would an acquaintance and made it clear that she was invited but that her new husband was not.
We went to the wedding. We watched as her ex-H and their 3 kids behaved as a family would at a family wedding. She was on the outside looking in. When we left, the 4 of them were on the dance floor having the time of their lives. She sat in a folding chair off the side of the dance floor a complete mess, full out balling, tears streaking down her face. Was she happy? Was she really happy? Or as you point out was she only superficially so? People that turn to other people for happiness are never truly happy. This is why we advice LBSs AGAINST dating until they are truly ready. Thinking someone new can make you happy is superficial happiness. And we've seen that time and time again on this forum.
Your STBXW will wake up one day. She will realize the new guy isn't all that. She will realize what she threw away. She will realize that it cost her so much. Her kids will one day look at her and realize she was the reason for the marriage and the family breaking up. Deep down she will be miserable again, and looking externally for something to "make" her happy. She IS to be pitied just like you said because she has pain, anguish and unhappiness in front of her for a long time.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
p.s. God I love jiu-jitsu and highly recommend it. Nothing like 2 hours of someone trying to choke you or break your arms and legs to get your focus back!
Yep! I love GAL activities that require full concentration and attention. I am on record here as my #1 GAL activity being going to the gun range. It required my full attention and focus and for that 1-2 hours I completely forgot about my WW and my sitch! So freeing................
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
