On my way to jiu-jitsu tonight I was listening to The Four Agreements audiobook and had a bit of an epiphany. I've been so gutted, so torn up about all this. Thinking of her and what she's doing constantly. Almost envying her. Then there was a part in the book, and I don't remember what it was exactly, but the word pity popped into my head. And I realized, I shouldn't be envying her, I should be pitying her. She's so confused, she has no idea what she wants, she thinks she's finding happiness but it's only going to be superficial, and she's going to ruin her family and relationships with friends. What's to envy? And suddenly the pit in my stomach released a little and I realized I'm the one who has it good. I'm the one working to be a better person, who has sons who love him and friends to count on. If things don't work out, I will be 100% fine and I am also 100% she won't be. My only worry about that is we are stuck together in some way, shape, or form for the rest of our lives because of the boys so I want her to be as ok as possible for my own sanity down the road. So instead of moping and crying I need to remember to see this as a gift and to not let it go to waste. If she asks how I'm doing, the answer is sofa king good!!!
p.s. God I love jiu-jitsu and highly recommend it. Nothing like 2 hours of someone trying to choke you or break your arms and legs to get your focus back!
