(((wayferer))) Have you heard the expression “death by one thousand cuts?” That is how us, the betrayed S , experiences the end of our M. I believe I read this in Esther Perels writings. It is also something that H and I have had to talk about in the early days of recon.

And yet still to the day, a memory is sparked, and it is suddenly tainted or has taken on a new meaning. Because for us, every lie, misunderstanding, change of plans, missed call, credit card bill, packed gym bag, D’s homemade ornament that is pulled out every year that looks exactly the same — EVERYTHING that took place in that time period — now has a new meaning. Most of them sting, although some worse than others, but there are at least 1000.

What I can tell you is that in time, they don’t hurt as much. In fact many of them I have forgotten. For years my stomach would turn every time I drove by this one intersection — where she rented an apartment after leaving her H for mine and I would see MY car parked there with my Ds car seat — but now I can’t even conjure up the energy to remember. Sometimes I make myself. But it doesn’t hurt enough. Also, with every passing year, those memories also continue to change and evolve and are replaced with better ones. Some, not all.

But that is us. My H doesn’t have this same perspective at all. He doesn’t attribute the same meanings to things that I do. I have had to remind him, “remember, dumb$$? You left the dog at your moms and she played me the voicemail and you lied about what you were doing! Don’t you remember?” He doesn’t. Because for him, that entire time period is one big spider web of interconnected lies, shame and times he would rather not recall. For me each cut hurts. I don’t even remind him anymore because I see the shame it brings him and I don’t want to pull him down.

All I can promise you is that over time the wounds will heal. And as you move through time, you can also shift the way you choose to remember them and how much power they have over you. I couldn’t rush this but it did happen.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela