I still follow several of you. I don’t post as much, but I am here. I’ll post an update, however I dont have much news to share. I also can’t get my hands on a keyboard because the kids are still distant learning, so I’m trying to type from this little iPhone.
One of my fav coworkers has become a good friend over the years and was very supportive during my BD/separation/initial recon times. For the last couple years she has been going through something similar and the table has turned. Her sitch reminds me of Mays a bit. So now he has been back this time since spring, waivered with OW again, and then recommitted again in summer. Seems like they are able to function and coparent on a day to day basis. They have been in weekly counseling but they don’t seem to do any real work, or have an intimate connection or trust.
It’s all very sad to me. Yesterday she pulled me aside and asked me, “when will I stop thinking about OW when we are together (ML)?” I don’t think they have much of a physical relationship but at times try to reconnect or have date nights, etc. I tried to answer her as best I could, but our sitches are different. One, I really convinced myself that H and X-OW didn’t have a good physical connection (long story but he also reinforced my belief). Am I fooling myself? Maybe. But what difference does it make now?
Two, I didn’t let H back into my life, home or bed until I trusted him. Not forgiven — that’s a looonnngggg process — but trust. I needed to see that he was completely done with his A and feelings for her, I needed to know that he was remorseful, and I needed to believe that he was committed to doing the hard and uncomfortable work with me. I just couldn’t open up to him in any way until those were in place. And then, I allowed him to come home and start the process of piecing. So now when I speak with her, or read sitches here, I have trouble understanding how it can work when we allow them back before that. I don’t know honestly.
Things lately have been pretty good. We have our health, our family and our community. I feel grateful. I’m trying to remain optimistic that with a vaccine and new administration we can depoliticize this virus and treat it as the public health crisis (global pandemic) that it IS. It’s not easy to watch people die. It’s even harder to see people dying alone.
(Jumps off soap box) I will say that things are not rainbows and unicorns in my M. I’ve realized lately that we both absolutely svck at arguing and civil discourse. I’m so acutely aware of it yet so clueless on how to fix it. We both seem to have the same two dysfunctional responses to disagreements — fight or flight (ignoring until it passes). I find myself having anxiety about even bringing things up. I know it will lead to a frustrating and tearful, voices raised and interrupting, debate and it does. It saddens me that after all these years, and after so many ups/ downs, we can still have such bad habits and not have learned these tools. Ugh.
So I’m trying to step out of my comfort zone and reflect on what I do wrong and where I can do better. Definitely a silver lining for all of us here that has tried follow the rules. I can only control myself and be responsible for what I say and do. What I’ve learned about myself is that my automatic response is to retreat into victim more. My parents had a nasty D when I was 5, and I recall crying every day and feeling completely ignored. Then in adulthood I had this H do the unthinkable, which only reinforced that I was abandoned and left vulnerable and alone. Because now, today, when we argue, I feel those same feelings — no one listens or cares about me — and it hits me like a tsunami. I need to learn how to identify that before the emotions take over and challenge that thinking. It really doesn’t serve me. I am not a victim anymore. This is so hard stuff tho!!!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
