What confuses me sometimes on how long to wait to leave is that in DB she has stories of people where the spouse acted like this for a very long time and then began to come back. But I don't want to waste more of my life. I just hate that affects not just me, but my kids.
It does happen. When I went to Retrouvaille there was a coaching couple there that had been married for 35 years I think. After they had been married around 20 years, the husband went full WAS. He started drinking heavily, partying, having affairs, treated his W like he hated her. Actually begged her to leave, but wouldn't do the work himself. She on the other hand remained faithful and loyal but also did not put up with his crap. She basically went about her life and let him go do his thing. But she refused to give up on the M, and she told him so whenever he said he wanted a D. If I remember right they kept living under the same roof, but he was gone so much that it didn't seem like it. She talked him into going to Retrouvaille and he by his own admission sat there with his arms crossed and a frown on his face the entire weekend. He refused to participate in any of the exercises.
Eventually he hit rock bottom and repented his ways and wanted to try Retrouvaille again. The 2nd time he was a changed person, fully embraced it. They later became volunteer coaches for Retrou and had been doing it for 15 years. He was so ashamed of his behavior he could not tell the story without crying about it even all those years later. He said he felt such shame telling it, but felt like that was the price he should pay for what he had done. He didn't know why he did what he did, he has been a loyal H before it happened and was again after it happened. He really gushed over how amazing his W had been, and how he didn't deserve her.
People change, but they do sometimes change back too. My XW has slowly become more like her old self, it's happened very slowly over years. Others snap back practically overnight. Others never go back at all. You've just got to decide what is best for you and your kids because there are no guarantees he'll never be "normal" again.
WOW this is great. And so true. I can echo a lot of this in my own sitch.
My W did not snap back overnight. Though to many here it looked like it. While it still took her weeks, due to the length of most people's sitches and limbo, it seem very fast. But she went into turning back to the marriage very reluctantly. She was sure that if she ever came back to the MR she'd be miserable for the rest of her life. I was a lot like the women in the story AS shared in that she continued to say she wanted a D. I continued to let her have time and space to figure things out. She could have gone and filed for D anytime she wanted.
Limbo was brutal. I tell the story occasionally about the night she went into the guest bathroom. For 1 1/2 hours. I knew she was in there texting OM, probably sharing explicit photos. I even had the urge at one point to sneak to the door and peak under it. I am so glad I did not because I know for a fact that I would hate myself to this day for stooping to such a low level. The shame would be unbearable. Weeks later it was revealed that my suspicions that night were dead on. Yet I stayed the course. We were IHS. I was working on me. Becoming the man only a fool would leave. I let her have her time and space. I stopped obsessing over what she was doing every minute of every day. It is funny how WASs can feel that pressure even when you aren't pressuring them directly!
It wasn't until I have completely let go, let her move on to decide what she wanted, and started to embrace the future no matter what it held that she started to turn back. I am on record here that given enough time the WAS almost always will want to come back. Sometimes it is weeks. Sometimes months. Sometimes years. Sometimes even decades! A lot of times by time that happens the LBS has moved on themselves and is no longer interested. The real question OG is how long can you wait?
When LBSs ask "how long should I wait" I typically will tell them that you give the WAS enough time that you can look back without regrets and say "I gave them every opportunity to come back" without question or guilt. When you get to that point you will know it. It sounds like you are too that point. No one, not even your H, could blame you. You gave it everything, and he still has nearly 1 month to come around and decide to work on the marriage. You have an end goal now OG, I am sure that is very freeing to you. I know when I set my drop-dead in my sitch, I felt so good knowing where I was heading.
Keep posting and let us know how things go the next few weeks. Oh, and welcome back!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
