Sage and May thank you so much for helping me sit in my feelings and walk with me through them. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your words when I'm feeling so low.
I was really really struggling that day, and honestly something ovrrnbw said made me realize that it was my depression and anxiety driving the bus that day more than pretty much anything else. And Steve helped me to accept that I get to be sad and angry. But it's my job to sit with it and deal with it it's not my job to dump it on H every time it happens because more often than not those feelings are about me and not so much H.
However there are things that I should be sharing with H. Going bat crap crazy over Christmas this year isn't just pandemic depression (apparently this is a thing) it's me trying to make up for the utter and complete sh!tshow that me and the girls had to live through last year is definitely one of them.
The other thing that feels pressing is H is missing huge swaths of time in his memory from November to February of last year. One of the things that sent me spiraling is little things keep happening and he has zero recollection of why he has things he apparently doesn't know he has, or doesn't remember doing things or saying thing during that time period. Like at all. i.e. Found a bag I threw in the back of our front hall closet. It was an overnight bag for when he spent a night with OW that he had left out in the living room for months. One day anger/lock down cleaning I got sick of looking at it over and over and over again and threw it in the back of the closet. I cleaned the closet a couple of weeks ago. He had zero recollection of the clothes still in the bag. I had to tell him he bought them for the last night he spent with OW over night. Immediate shame spiral for him. Another time H looked at me and said "Hey I'm looking though my fit bit info did I not run in January?" I had to say "No you stopped going to the gym regularly after you told me you wanted to move out and get a divorce. You didn't have time because you were staying out with her all night 3 or 4 nights a week and catching up on sleep the other days." Just mouth agape he says "Oh." Girls brought up something the 3 of us did last Christmas time with out him. He said "I don't remember that. Why don't I remember that?" The girls had to tell him he didn't remember because he wasn't there. Then he said "wait why wasn't I there?" And they just stared at him. This keeps happening again and again. I don't want to rub this stuff in his face and I don't want to feel like crap every time. But apparently this memory gap thing is kind of common. The emotional crisis + lack of sleep + alcohol (or drugs but that isn't my H's thing) = memory gaps. But we seriously need to have a conversation about the fact that I'm fine with helping fill in the gaps for him, and I'm not doing it to shame him. And the flip side is that I also don't want to have to feel like I'm being kicked in the stomach every time I have to remind him that he had a full blown affair while living with his wife and two teen age daughters.
Out side of that we are doing well. He's so doting and kind. He tries every single day. And like wooba said I need to hold on to that. How hard that man is trying to make everything right between us is what I need to focus on.
