But basically, four years ago my husband confessed (in true trickle truth fashion) that he had had an affair. Eventually it came out that it was a two year affair, and it was with a good friend of mine. We have been married for 24 years and have three kids. He is someone who has trouble dealing with emotions and puts up walls like crazy and is very avoidant.
A year ago, he told me he wanted a divorce and told me what he thought it would look like (not anywhere on planet reality). He told me he felt he had already tried to make things work, he didn't feel a connection with me and basically considered us roommates. I was devastated. He stopped all sexual antimacy and basically any physical affection. I tried to DB the best I could, but my emotions and hopes were tough to deal with.
I basically came to the point about three months ago that I'm pretty much done with him. I don't really care anymore if he wants me or wants to be with me or what he thinks about me. I came to the realization that I deserve better than this. But we do have a lot of time and a family invested in this, and I want to make sure I have done everything I can do before I D. I bought the LRT program on the website when it was on sale for Black Friday. Turns out it's way easier to LRT when you don't care.
So for the past three months I have kept my mouth shut. I haven't had any expectations, I've been working on myself and my happiness and keeping busy. I don't chase him, I haven't tried to talk to him about anything. After a few weeks, he will hold my hand occasionally or hug me. I was pretty shocked when it happened. Mind you, we haven't had sex in a year but we sleep in the same bed. Then usually a wall goes back up and he shuts me out for a few days. In my mind, I don't care and it's none of my business. He is an adult, and if I have upset him in some way, or he just wants to share something with me, that's up to him. Otherwise, I can't control it.
About a month ago, he said that he still felt like we were roommates but now didn't want to divorce because of the kids. His idea is to stay together until the youngest one is out of the house (about 7 years from now). I told him nope. If we are doing our best to go in the same direction with our marriage, that's one thing, but if he wants a loveless, sexless marriage for seven years that's a hard pass for me. I was proud of myself because I was totally calm in this conversation. I didn't cry and I didn't get upset. I told him that it wasn't a game or a threat for me, I was just letting him know what I can do and what I can't. I had a consultation with a lawyer to know my rights and what a divorce would look like for me in our state. I felt like I would file after the holidays. Meanwhile, he would throw me off a bit because he would still show some affection and then wall up. My approach remained the same.
Today we had therapy. We've been going about a year and I like our therapist. He's marriage friendly. Anyway, H brought up he is at a place when he accepts this is all our relationship is and he is fine with staying for a few years but he feels like he has tried everything and feels no connection with me. No mention of the past few weeks and small displays of affection.
I guess I'm just trying to figure out my plan for the holidays as far as being able to keep going and enjoy them no matter what. I'm tired and not sure if good things are happening or if it's not enough anyway. I've been doing this for four years - six if you count the affair - and it's lonely. When do you keep going because there's progress and when is enough enough? Is there really progress, or am I imagining it. It p*sses me off when he reaches over and holds my hand and then later says we have nothing in common and we are roommates. I don't want a divorce, but I don't want this either. I just am tired of this roller coaster. I feel like his uber driver (he travels for work) and the one who makes sure there is dinner every night and a clean house.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
