My Confusing MLC Navy W

[reason]

Hi, I'm new here. I've spent a few days scouring articles and reading people's stories and there's a ton of helpful information.
I have gone through numerous articles about WAS. I'm pretty confident in the assessment that I have an MLC W.

Our sitch: Me 40M Her 44F

We have a 20 yr M in Jan. 10 years ago I think I had a MLC but I'm not sure because neither of us paid attention to the why. I was working 2 jobs and going to college and she was deploying a lot. I had an EA that turned into a PA but quickly fizzled. Recommitted with my focus on our kids who were 5&6 back then. Her ship changed homeports so we had to uproot everything and move to CA in 2010.
After we got to CA, we moved every couple of years and I couldn't find work, but I focused on rebuilding and she was the primary income. Things have been amazing up until about a year ago, but I'll come back to that. With one exception being she wanted to have one more child (a girl) and fertility tests showed that I was going to have problems in that department.

2018 we moved back to VA, which I never wanted to do, but it was what the Navy picked for us. Shortly after, her father passed away. Now she's approaching High Year Tenure and has extended numerous times, because she's been afraid I couldn't find work, despite numerous reassurances.

About the middle of last year I started noticing her behavior became a bit more introverted and she still took pictures at functions, but less and less of me at those.

This year, we had a great time on our Anniversary (Jan) but after that things were extremely spotty. In April, everything started really sliding down hill. Arguments over little things, her disappearing with our son to talk about me, small comments about me that were snippy. I figured she was bitter that I had lost the one job I had managed to land, so I tried to be extra nice and helpful. None of her pictures since April had me in them except from my birthday. By August she was snapping at random employees at restaurants and places like DMV.

She started volunteering to go underway, working longer hours, spending a lot more time on her phone, and becoming distant to the boys and myself. I started noticing selfies that were a little provocative but just innocent enough to not be concerning, except that she wasn't sending them to me.

Oct21 - 2020 - She dropped the bomb (sorry I don't know all the abbreviations). I love you but I'm not in love with you. This was after she had returned from a 2 week underway and instead of coming home, had "given a coworker a ride to his wife". I brought that up after the bomb drop and basically got instant confirmation of OM. Over the next day she said she wanted a separation, it was time for her to find out who she is and have fun, she needs time/space, etc. She threw 20 years worth of problems at me, with me being the sole source of all of her misery. She didn't want to stay with me because she thought she would be miserable, etc etc. Then when I took her to the ship to leave for an underway, a "nice" shipmate was willing to meet her at the pier to carry her bags for her at 10 PM.

Nov3 - 2020 - She returns from this underway and won't look me in the eye. She confirms PA, fears of pregnancy, and is extremely high strung. This is the point where she will no longer tell me she loves me.

From Oct, she has been at sea, so through email I've been begging, pleading, reasoning, etc. But ultimately realized that the only communication she was responding to was as a friend. By the time she returned in Nov, I asked if we could try to fix things. Through conversations, anxiety attacks, her screaming profanity at me, trying to push me away, and us ultimately coming to an agreement to think of our kids (now 16&17), she says she'll stay until our youngest is out of the house (about a year and a half unless he mysteriously fails.. I kid.. ). I don't think any of this is new.. in fact it feels very, extremely, textbook MLC based on the articles.

The confusing part.
After I backed off, agreed to live a day at a time and basically stop putting pressure on her, she changed her attitude a little. She sleeps in the same bed, meets me for lunch, watches movies with me alone in our room, goes to church with me, took care of me when I got the flu, writes me emails while she's underway, and doesn't want anyone to know that she said it was over. We've visited her relatives and she acted like things are okay, has tried to conceive with me, and even is willing to have sex. Her stance is still, she'll stay with me until our youngest is out of the house.. but then she will probably leave me. She also wants to buy a house with me.

She's said so many contradictory things. She won't say she loves me, but before going to bed, I kiss her forehead and say good night and sweet dreams. She smiles and says it back... but the next day will scream at me that my wife is dead to me forever and that she'll never see me as a lover again, and any number of other hateful things.

I've learned from reading here not to trust what they say and only half of what they do.. but everything is extremely confusing. She's about to come back from being at sea and we're going to drive 10 hours to spend a week and a half with my family. I feel like she's hurting and confused, but doesn't want to end our marriage. She even got mad when I mentioned divorce, but I assumed it was because she didn't want to lose her pension. Now, I don't even know.

Early in the next year she's going to spend 6-8 months at sea. She claims OM will be in a completely different part of the country at a different duty station by the end of December 2020.. so if that's true, it could be a blessing?

I know we're encouraged not to snoop but I have friends and resources, that I'll know where he is at that time, and honestly I'm not sure why I wouldn't do that.

Anyway, long first post.. but I wanted to give as much info as I could think of. My instinct is to focus on rebuilding the friendship and getting my nerves back under control (3 hours of sleep a night and 20lbs weight loss since Oct). That and making sure the kids are taken care of since I'm basically already a single parent. I ordered DR book and will be reading that before she gets back.

Thanks for reading and any help everyone.