Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

hi all,

@R2C thanks for the advice, I did put on some nice clothes and good cologne and tried to remain calm throughout the day.

The best news about yesterday is that the cardiologist told us the cavity S2 has in his heart is very small and our plan is now to wait and in many years time see if it has closed or if we would be interested in an operation to close it (not very likely he suggested). Here is how it went.

Shortly before 13 pm I sent W a pm asking if it would help for me to pick up S2 from nursery. She called back and said it would help and we could meet there. Picked up S2 and drove to hospital and I arrived first. I went into the waiting room and W arrived. I was focused on S2 who also seemed to be keener on playing with me than W. I stayed calm, never approached W and just stood there until it was time to come in. I tried to look happy but inside I had all these thoughts about WAWs being like cats, making things worse and controlling my impulses. I caught W staring at me a couple of times, I smiled at her and acted cool. She did pick up her phone 5 to 10 times while in the waiting room, she also did some nail biting and looked through a window for a long time. I was a smiling rock, I stood there in peace thinking about the run I was going to go for on the afternoon.

We were called in, only one could get in so I offered her to and took her coat and S2's backpack. When we sat in front of the cardiologist afterwards to hear the results, he asked questions W would answer and then look at me to check I agreed with what she was saying. We finished late, I held S2 hand as we walked out of the hospital and as it was past lunchtime asked W if she wanted to grab lunch. She said she wanted to work so I smiled and dropped the subject. Walked her to her car talking about S2 and she made a hurtful comment about how she could not talk to me about kids only and I told her that comment was not constructive. Then she told me some more parenting ideas she had to tell me about S7 not sleeping with us in the double bed (both when he is with me and with her) because he is "too old for that". I told her I would make sure he can sleep alone and then I wished her a good day, kissed S2 and left.

Got to my car and the moment I closed the door it all came onto me, I collapsed emotionally and started crying. I cannot explain my feelings, I had a great time seeing S2 play around with W and me, I think I did a good job as the father and man I want to be and at the same time it was one of the hardest days, constantly checking myself to be at peace, to stay cool, to not stare directly at W. I got home, made lunch and after a couple of hours I had a text from W asking me if I agree to the school taking some pictures of S2 for Christmas. I told her I did and thanked her for asking.

I spent the rest of the day working and feeling like cr@p. Right now it feels like this is going to be my life, she will do her thing, looking happier because she got rid of me in her life and I will build up nonsense expectations at every interaction linked to the kids because I cannot detach from a dead M. I am so sad, sorry for my poor work but I just needed to let this out here.

I went for a long run in the evening, 13.5 km at 4:30 min/km. When I got home for a shower I told myself, "Pack you did well today, you should be proud of yourself for you are doing all in your hands to get your family back together". I had dinner and read some more of my sexual kung fu book before sleeping.

Back to my PIES. Thank you all for your help, if it wasn't for this forum I would have approached her yesterday, said some pressuring things or maybe even attempted to touch her. Sadly enough, not doing those things is progress for me!

((hugs)) Pack