Ugh. My ex wanted to announce his leaving right before Thanksgiving. I made him wait until a few weeks after Xmas so our kids wouldn’t forever associate the holidays with him leaving.
He also left in the middle of our youngest’s senior year. After 26 years together, he couldn’t wait 6 more months until the kid was off to college?
Look - I wouldn’t volunteer information that’s not asked for. But if your girls ask what’s going on, I think they’re old enough for you to tell them the truth. “Mom is having an affair. I’ve been hoping to save the marriage but she’s not been willing to pursue marriage counseling and give up the affair. I’m still hopeful that this is a midlife crisis and she will turn around, because I love your mom. But it’s not looking too good.”
I don’t believe you should have to go along with the “ we both just grew apart nonsense when you were willing to go to the mat for your marriage. They probably already have an inkling anyway since your wife has been so reckless. Do expect though that the girls may initially blame you, as the safe parent, for not keeping mom “happy enough”.
If your sister in law is coming in January, don’t you think she deserves to know what she’s stepping into? If your relationship with her is good, you could tell her “I’m happy to see you and the girls are looking forward to it. But I just thought you should know that I’ve discovered your sister cheating on me and things may be a little different around here.”
Now - if your relationship with her is not that great, don’t say anything, as she may be a co- conspirator with your wife.
Also - you’ve said it benefits you financially to stay. Does it benefit you not to file? Have you consulted with an attorney? If not, you should. Seeing an attorney doesn’t mean you have to file; just gather information and figure out how best to protect yourself. Since your wife is a mental health professional, she may try to make false accusations to get you out of the house (since she knows something about how the system works). She’s not the woman you once knew, so be careful.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Stick to the high road and don’t badmouth her to your girls (but don’t feel you need to lie for her either). Use this time to become a better version of yourself. (At 52, when my ex left, I learned to play the drums and played in a pop-punk cover band!) If this really is the end of your marriage, it doesn’t mean there isn’t an exciting future ahead of you if you want it.
I’m 11 years out from the divorce from my cheating ex, and even though I fought hard for my marriage at the time, I wouldn’t take him back on a silver platter now.
