SaltyDog, welcome to the site. Sorry you are going through this but there are many good posters here that can help.
Thank you! And I agree - the posters here do a helluva job. quote=Steve85]Obviously when you start introducing health issues that affect things, as well as meds (hers not being right, and you being on ADs) then that is another variable that can cause issues. I am glad to see you are in IC and on different meds, but I am hoping that you will eventually be off of all ADs with therapy. (I have a personal belief that too many people are immediately put on meds instead of going to IC to deal with their depression.) I think that is a great step. [/quote]The meds are definitely something I gotta figure out. Switching over to Wellbutrin from Lexapro has been quite a change. I'm still not sure if it is right for me but I basically went from not really feeling anything to feeling EVERYTHING at a level 10! I've cried more in the last month than I have in the last 20 years. The last time I cried before this was 2 years ago after getting my blue belt in jiu-jitsu. Learning to "feel" feelings again is a strange experience.
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I am not a big fan of nesting. I think it confuses the kids, it becomes a new normal, and then there is the whole issue that the WAS is the one wanting to leave, why would the LBS leave even for 50% of the time? I advise LBSs that are considering agreeing to this NOT to.
I totally hear you and what others have said about the nesting. It is a struggle and I am not sure how I'm going to handle it. Right now I'm at the studio and have been all week and the problem I have is I ENJOY being here. It gives me the space I need to do my own thing and not be interrupted 100x a day. I love my kids and I love doing things with them, but with Covid and working from home while they are going to school from home, it makes for a stressful situation where I don't feel like I have the time or space to work on me. While I'm here I can blow off steam, take a break, read a book for 2 hours without being interrupted. So as much as I hate it when she's here (knowing what you've all said) I also don't want to give up my time here.
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In fact, that is a theme that seems to be running throughout your post. Playing family. Thinking things are getting better because you sleep together, have sex, being more vulnerable with her. All of that is in the category of "nicing" her back. You cannot nice her back. And you've learned this the hard way with the dating site thing.
Definitely coming to this same conclusion. It's a hard habit to break.
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Getting out of the obsessive "checking up on her" will be a huge benefit to you. If you are that way when she is away, I doubt if you aren't that way when she is around. And she feels that pressure and pursuit from you. It is probably palpable. So detaching, backing off, giving her time and space is the best first step. Remember, the goal here is to remove ALL pressure and pursuit.
I've started putting this into effect (no proactive messaging and only responding to things that need to be tended to and already seeing an increase in her messaging and her tone.
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Fourth, start going out and GAL. GAL is so important. It is much less likely to obsess over what she is doing when you are out GAL. GAL shows you that your life is going to be just fine no matter what she decides. GAL well helps you with the detachment process. There are no negatives to going out and GAL!
Totally agree, now if we can get that stupid global pandemic taken care of I'd have a lot more options! lol.
