I, too, could develop more empathy. Like you, I have daughters. How are you working on that with them? Would love the advice.
Thanks, Spiral
Spiral, thanks for weighing in. I need to reflect on this but I'll give you a short reply. In the past, I was the one to look up to, to go to for advice. If someone with brawn was needed, of course all four members of the family came to me. I liked this role. I like being protective of those I love, of having them look to me for assurance. There were some times when that wasn't easy. I recall some driving vacations when we got lost and ended up in some pretty sketchy areas (this is all before iPhones and map apps). I had to pretend to be brave and OK when I was pretty terrified myself (one late night motel clerk even pulled out a firearm when I walked in!).
But when BD came, I couldn't even pretend to be that man anymore. And I could not look in the eyes of my children (two were away at college so that was over FaceTime) and maintain a facade. So I realized that I needed to be genuine, more genuine than ever before. I did what psychologists call "go to your gut." I talked about my feelings like never before. I talked about what made me happy, what made me frightened. I used those words to convey to my kids how much I honor who they had become and my confidence in their future. It really was a game-changer, for me at least. I had never been so open, so vulnerable.
Another way is that I let them have the last word. I had to raise three children, all smart and strong-willed. You can't let pandemonium reign in a house like that! Yes, I won most arguments! [Stop laughing out loud, Scout and others!] A couple years ago, now that they were all past age 18, I stopped being "Dad" all the time. But after BD came, I totally gave in. I am deferential and respectful, even if I feel they have strayed from how they were raised, or clear examples of right and wrong. I remember what I was like at the same age, anyway.
Finally, I do a lot of affirming of what they say. They would ask questions when they were younger, and as a part-time academic I would give longish and fact-filled replies. When they were younger they would hold onto my every word. But now? I just let them talk. I affirm what they say. I ask a million questions, and let them do most of the talking.
