I expect that my children will be impacted permanently by this, even though they are all legal adults now. At our 20th anniversary, the ex and I renewed our vows and dedicated the ceremony to the kids and to "being a family forever!" (Whoops, the other half forgot about that promise, I guess.)
Your kids will be okay but they'll do much better without being exposed to bitterness. I'm sure you'll say that your comment in parentheses was just a joke, but it comes across as bitter. Acceptance is the first step on the road to forgiveness. And forgiveness is the universal remedy for bitterness. Do you forgive your wife for leaving you? Do you accept that she had the right to leave you?
No, Scout, don't read into my comment ... remember I am an emotional guy! I put that in parentheses just for emphasis and to make the connection with my children and how it will impact them. I found the renewal of vows to be very meaningful, for me and the kids at least. I wouldn't be surprised that they still remember that moment. I haven't breathed a word about it, though.
I have been studious about not being angry at, or rude about, their mom. They know the facts. Mom walked out without notice. I'm not sure my ex has been as scrupulous about not putting me down -- my oldest daughter ripped into me a year ago at Thanksgiving, no doubt quoting her Mom. Fine. I let it go and did not fight back.
Actually ... during the first 15-20 days after BD I was a total wreck. I probably did say a lot back then. But it was never anger, it would only have been complaining ... talk of betrayal ... openly wondering why she would break up a good family. Just wanted to set the record straight. But since then? No.
I talk casually about her all the time. The kids are staying with me now; I'm in the house and the ex is in some apartment across town. It's hard to not talk about her when, for example, we reminisce about Christmases in the past. But it's only casual references and passing references ... e.g., "Remember when ..." or "Wasn't it fun when ..." or "Remember Mom's favorite recipe for ..."
I have forgiven her. I have written her letters telling her I forgave her and asking her forgiveness for what I did to drive her away. It was too little too late, of course. I even told her I forgave her for the dirty trick she and her lawyer tried to play on me, in a letter last December. I have conveyed this all multiple times since I joined DB, by the way. And, frankly, I was surprised at myself that it was so easy to forgive her, to not be angry. But I was in prayer about it, and counseled with many old and new friends about it. It didn't alleviate the pain much, but it did make me settled in my own heart.
