Reading through the threads and articles here has been extremely helpful and enlightening. I know at the core of it, my situation isn’t different from anyone else’s. I’m a LBH trying to piece his life back together. But I do think there are some nuances that I haven’t come across reading through some of the other threads so I thought I’d share my story to see if I can get any feedback or ideas.
Background - married 13 years and been together for 15 and we have 3 kids (7, 10, 13). The marriage wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns, but we were a helluva team. We operated on another level together and really were best friends. About 3 years ago she started having health issues - lethargy, weight gain, racing heart, etc. After about 6 months of ongoing tests she was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, but in an atypical way that didn’t respond to regular treatments. It also caused her to almost completely lose her libido. Being on meds didn’t help with many symptoms and to this day she is still battling to get answers. During this time, especially the beginning, I took on most of the parenting duties. I already cooked all the meals, but now I was tasked with taking kids to soccer practices, events, doctor’s appointments, trips, etc. because she wasn’t able to do it. My love language being acts of service, I felt like I was 100% showing her how much I loved her because I did everything. It was around this time I started getting depressed, but I never told her because I didn’t feel like it would be right to add that to her plate of things to deal with. I figured I’d be able to gut it out.
As the years went on, she started getting her meds dialed in and was able to “rejoin” the family on a regular basis. I started taking antidepressants which helped numb the lows, but also numbed the highs. I still felt like I was showing how much I loved her because of all my acts of service. Looking back, it didn’t matter how many acts I performed because she needed the emotional attachment, the words of affirmation and quality time. I had too much resentment built up to provide that. I was also so depressed that even if I wasn’t resentful I don’t know that I would’ve been able to provide her what she needed.
Fast forward to August and I find out she’s having an EA with a friend from when she was in high school. He’s married and has kids too. She says it isn’t about wanting to be with him or anything like that, just that I wasn’t there for her and he was and since he was around back when she was going through some hard times, he could relate. We move on from there and agree to marriage counseling (her idea).
We go a month and realize things still aren’t working. She suggests and I agree to a trial separation, but not a “traditional” one. We get a studio in town that we share. One person has the kids, the other has the studio. The idea is to work on ourselves and see if we can figure things out. In talking with our counselor I get the ILYBNILWY bomb. However, at this point I’ve started seeing my own therapist and am on different meds and am showing signs of “coming back to life” and she says that while she was almost completely out the door, seeing me come back has her thinking otherwise and that there might be some hope.
We start the separation and it really didn’t seem that bad to begin with. We still have Sunday dinners with the family, we still sleep in the same bed when we’re both at the house, we still have sex (her libido is now back, of course) and things seem good all things considered. When I am at the studio I meditate, work out, read books, and try to do as much as I can to improve myself and she sees the changes and comments on how good I’m looking. She also comments on how she can see how I am being more open and vulnerable with her and how she appreciates it. So I’ve got my rose colored glasses on and let my guard down. Last Tuesday we’re talking and she casually tells me she’s signed up for dating sites and asks if I would want to know if she went on a date with someone. That she doesn’t want to know if I go on a date unless she asks. I’m floored. Gutted. I lose my cool and she reminds me we said that even though the separation wasn’t about seeing other people we (she) did say we wouldn’t be exclusive because she didn’t want to feel tied down.
We again move on, although I now sign up for a dating site out of spite (cuz that’ll show her!!) but I realize I have no real desire to be on there and even if I did it wouldn’t be healthy for me or fair to anyone I ended up meeting. She also tells me she isn’t still on there (not sure I believe that one) and that she wasn’t looking for a hookup just to find people to talk to. Now we’re still “good” and when we’re together we tend to be close. Went to cut down a Xmas tree with the kids, decorated the house, and all that good stuff. When she’s at the studio though, things are different. She admits to not being able to work on herself and that she’s being self destructive. She sends texts asking if she should get a nose ring. She is trying to track down the man who raped her 30 years ago. She’s all over the place.
But I also start to realize how dependent I am on her for my happiness. I wait for her texts. I wonder what she’s doing when she’s at the studio. I look at Facebook to see what she’s posting. It’s constant. And brutal. Which makes me realize that I have to detach if I’m going to survive this, which is how I ended up on this site. Reading through the posts, especially Sandi2’s threads, I start seeing all the red flags. The manipulation. Being plan B (there have been nights where she’s called at midnight wanting me to come over). Of her having her cake and eating it too because I enable it. All of it.
At this point my goal is to detach and continue to GAL. I also need to figure out if I really want to fight for this marriage or if I’m just fighting for it to avoid the inevitable pain. Problem is, I can’t determine which emotion I’m feeling at any given moment is “real” and which is anger, hope, resentment, or love. And that’s frustrating as hell. So hopefully I can use this as a place to go instead of doing stupid things that I’ll regret tomorrow.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading my novel!
