Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

Hi all! I hope the preparations for Christmas are going well and I also hope some of you were lucky enough to get hold of a ps5, I wasn't

@CWarrior Thanks a lot for your comments on boundaries. I think it is a good idea to diverge any conversations about the school, material or clothes via S7. I will try to keep it light on him and be there but removing those conversations will do me good, I think. Today I returned the kids to W after they spent the afternoon here (I got the homework done and took them Christmas shopping for some more tree decorations and I think they had a lot of fun), she was out as always and even I let her know the time I would drop them, she was 25 mins late. She called when I said we had arrived and I asked S7 to answer and he did it without complaints. W asked for me and I took over to hear some excuses about being late, I told her we were warm in the car and would wait, then hung up.

S7 told me last Monday he asked W to call me but she said since I had not messaged her I must have been busy so he apologized for not calling. I told him I am never busy for him with a wink and asked him to call me next time if he feels like it (these are the little feedback pieces that bring me the peace I am doing a good job as a father). S7 loved his BD party, the presents were spot on and we took a lot of pictures, I could not help but having thoughts about past BDs all together but I set them aside and we just had fun, for him, he has also gone through a lot over the last year.

@R2C I am well aware of the 5 whys, used to use them in my first job a lot. I will save you reading all the steps but basically the 5 whys took me to the believe I am struggling to accept her values might be other than mine and that is fundamentally going to change the life of my kids when they are with her. Dirty clothes because of not taking enough care when washing, small clothes for S2 for whom I keep buying new things, leftovers from Friday's school snack in the backpack when I pick them up on Sunday, no care at all that S7 has lost all the German skills he had, not prioritizing homework... these are some examples that frustrate me. My children are number 1 in my life and my values are that being hard-working, organized and clean will help you in your life. I guess I need to work on accepting I can only reinforce those values when they are with me.

I had my last IC session for 2020 today. IC told me I am struggling to accept W left our M over a year ago. I told her I hear her and it adds up to my pain because I want to be in a place where I accept and respect her decision, all her verbal abuse does not affect me and I am happy again alone and with my new family unity (the three of us), but I cannot. She replied that I have done a very good job in other areas, so there is progress, but the repetition is for me to focus on it. I am not sure if she wants to hook me into counseling as it is her business, progress is slow or I am just a very hopeless case. She has also told me my beliefs about traditional family models and marriage are overloading me with guilt and forcing me to think I want back a R that maybe wasn't fulfilling since we had so many communication issues. She has also told me we got M very young an people change, I am not sure if this is BS or a very real truth that should help me move on. Yes we got married young and under difficult conditions with a 1 year old child, but that does not mean my M was leas valuable, I dont know anymore.


I have been focused on my PIES again and removing myself from W's life.
P - Lifting weights, running my December half marathon this week and wearing new outfits I bought last month.
I - Made a list of clear goals to develop further at work and tackling now many courses and services I need to learn to improve my skills in the area I work. Practicing my sexual kung fu as it is called in my book, doing the exercises and learning a lot about female bodies and meaningful sex
E - I talk a lot to my grandma and to my S7, I remember reading somewhere talking to both young and elderly was good. Still focused on active listening whenever there is a chance, at the end of the day improving my communication and empathy skills.
S - I pray more, I pray for me, for the kids and to say thanks for the job I have, my health and all the help I am getting to get out of this emotional hell I am living.

We have an appointment tomorrow at 13 to take S2 to the cardiologist for the first time in Spain. I plan to stay calm and focus on the communication with the doctors. What are your recommendations?

I continue NC and our R keeps dying out, not that I miss being verbally bashed and arguing about money, I am sad things will never improved. I have done a lot for my M and family and it has all been wiped away from my hands. I loved my W and had plans to grow our family in the new house in Munich, I cannot remove that from my head instantly, I haven't been able to do it in over a year time. Right now I just want the pain and fear to stop and to regain my confidence and self worth.

Thank you all, your support and time means the world to me.