Little Gerda Goes Forward with Courage and Safety

[Gerda]

Thank you, Cardinal, Scout, DnJ, Sage, for chiming in with birthday wishes (even though in truth I kinda demanded it).

Had a really nice outdoor gathering, many friends came by, we had hot toddies and I made the most wonderful chocolate cake, wish I could link it here, presliced for guests, along with a hot toddy. One friend even brought hot chestnuts. It was so nice to be around people and we actually all decided that we could manage it once a month outside, as long as it wasn't raining. So that was great!

I notice that I am constantly battling fear of what my H and his L will do next. They threatened to take me back to court if I don't pay his monthly prepayment of ED, which I obviously can only pay partially right now based on loss of work and rent. And I know they really have no power over me, the judge isn't going to rule on that and we are going to have to wait for trial. Or the judge does rule on it and then I have cause to appeal because she refused to rule on my motions before that -- or, I dunno, because THERE IS A GLOBAL PANDEMIC AND ECONOMIC SHUTDOWN AND ORDERS MUST BE MODIFIED ACCORDINGLY?! And yet I get these panic attacks about waiting and wondering.

I think it's important to notice that, if you are a newbie. Detachment doesn't mean you are a saint who will never have fear and will walk with total peace all the time. This is a very difficult struggle.

But one of my friends who came yesterday is a young man almost half my age who is sort of a brother/nephew kind of friend from my church community. He wrote me a long letter all about how much my struggle is a light to others, to watch how I walk this impossible path and still have a house that seems so very much like a home, and try to transmit some faith to my kids despite their defiance and the endless pressure on me. It was the most incredible letter, a real gift from God that said He is with me, and that I am walking the path He laid out for me. I had been praying for God to show me that He was there, and when I read this letter the same day as my very fervant prayer, I was in awe.