Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 3

[may22]

Hi Tom,

You seem like a logical guy. So let me gently point out a few inconsistencies here:

Question: let's take for granted that empathy is a good quality that everyone should have as much as possible. Situation: an extremely distressed patient goes to see a doctor for a medical condition related to her extremely distressed state. Who should be showing the most empathy at the moment -- the doctor for the distressed patient, or the patient for the doctor? And in this situation, which one am I?

We aren't your doctor. A doctor is a compensated professional. For you, this would be your IC, and yes, a good IC is quite skilled at validation and demonstrating empathy for his/her patients. We are a group of strangers on the internet trying to help you because we care. (FWIW, this constantly amazes me-- I feel it is a demonstration of the intrinsic goodness of humanity.)

No one here has any obligation to respond or help. Some of your comments, such as "crickets" for no responses to certain posts and shaming people for responding to a post without having read your entire thread carefully, make it sound as though you think this community is obligated to help you out, and then, only in the ways you want to be supported. If that is what you're looking for, I'd recommend increasing the frequency of your IC visits.

Now, let's add a little more detail to your illustration. The patient has lung cancer and is smoking, smoking in fact throughout the appointment with the doctor. Should the doctor point that out? Tell her she needs to stop smoking right away? Perhaps the patient has a bad habit that exacerbates her condition, and doesn't even realize when she is engaging in it-- maybe, say, she has bad headaches, and it turns out she's unconsciously grinding her teeth-- in fact, she's (again) doing it right in front of the doctor. Should the doctor tell her?

Of course. You have self-identified that empathy is a problem for you (though it seems only want to practice it on loved ones), people are trying to point out here when you are displaying a lack of empathy (or respect, another 180 you've identified), and you respond with defensiveness. Hey, I get it. It doesn't feel good. That doesn't mean it isn't worth examining.

FWIW, I'm not looking for empathy from you. I just thought it would be a good exercise if you wanted to work on being more empathetic to try to think of the folks who you see as attacking you here as real people who have walked a similar path in the past, and who are genuinely trying to help you.

No need to respond, I'm not interested in getting into a debate with you. I think it would be better, honestly, if you just thought on what people have said here rather than respond. And, I'm sure people would be interested in hearing where you feel you've shown progress with your daughters. I'm glad you see movement in yourself.

Best,
May