When I read back, Tom, I see LH taking the time to break down your posts and ask you questions and give some helpful feedback. I’m not at all seeing where he asked hit and run questions. I see kindness and validation. He’s also asked some though provoking questions to get you to think and dig deep. What you think is a hit and run question is actually something for you to reflect on and see where you can grow .
Look more carefully, Ginger, you'll see that I would provide careful replies and he wouldn't continue the dialogue. That would have been helpful. As for kindness, I think he was hard on me (and obnoxious, e.g., calling me "Tommy") from the start. Not appreciated. Why don't you ask him how many other times he has given a newb a diminutive or childlike name. Then make your own call.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
In you, throughout this thread, I see defensiveness and stubborness, and at times ignorance.
Well, no one likes being a pinata or a punching bag, even you might recognize this. If 5 rednecks started calling you sexist names I bet your hackles would rise too. BTW, I don't agree with the ignorance part. In fact, I think it's ignorant of people to claim I hate women just because I might someday want to date a lot of them.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I still haven’t figured out what you have come here for? What your purpose is?
See below. From 60 days ago.
Originally Posted by tom_h
Well, my STBXW isn't talking but I've been in therapy with an awesome therapist and here's what I need to work on as 180s:
1) Communication 2) Empathy, especially when it is not automatic -- e.g., don't be dismissive even of the small things 3) Concern for what she is concerned about 4) Attending to her love languages 5) Being vulnerable, talking about feelings 6) Respect -- by the end of the marriage, we were mutually disrespectful too often, although she would probably only claim I was 7) Priorities -- caring more for people rather than ideas, politics, current events
If anyone is interested I'll talk more about the 180s in a more detailed post.
Posted on September 30, 2020. The response was .... crickets.
But here is your answer, Ginger. Want to help me? Stop focusing on an errant word or two that you happen to dislike, which was not meant for any harmful reason, and focus on helping me with the above seven 180s. I think you, and Rose, and LH, and a few others have been so blinded that you're missing what you're supposed to be doing.
Frankly, I'm still shocked that we're in the third thread and my greatest "critics" are still unaware that I was reaching out for their perspective two months ago.
As for accusations of being an A$$, there's a lot of that going around, even among the sanctimonious people here on DB. I already provided one example. Why don't we all cut each other some slack? A great man once said, "to err is human, to forgive in divine." Give that some thought.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Do you want people to just agree with you, or do you want to learn and grow?
Grow? Isn't that obvious to you that such was always my intent? Where have the rest of you been for the past 60 days?
I've been through a lot of pain and while Steve85 thinks I'm far along, I really am not. I have very blue days once a week. I am not over this separation and future divorce. I have good days and lots of ups and downs. Seems to me that my erstwhile "friends" here at DB, if they truly want to help, have been focused on the wrong things. Remember, you're the ones who are past this all and are supposed to be helping the ones still on crutches.
