You did very well in the conversation with H. Validating and not arguing are key. MLCers are irrational and cannot see your point of view; they can’t even keep their own points of view straight. They ping ping around and Jekyll and Hyde often.
For what it’s worth, you did really well letting him vent. At first, when we are so hurt and lost, we must go dark/dim and place boundaries on such behaviour. Later, once we gain our center and strength, letting the MLCer vent (to a point) is actually a good thing. They need to burn the anger out of themselves. You saw the benefit of that as H’s behaviour changed throughout the conversation.
If you can listen and not take what he says too seriously, and definitely don’t take it personally, you will learn a lot of what is going on within him. H is projection upon you. He is lashing out, then backing off, because you are the safe place to land. His confusion is evident, as well as his desperation to find peace from his pain. Most definitely MLC.
H is still an emotional mess and his empathy chip is still broken. And I agree with you, I think H has made some progress; still a long way to go, but progress nonetheless.
Your own progress is very good. I’m glad to hear how clearly this all appears to you. It takes a certain amount of understanding to let go. Then compassion, empathy, ... you know, that inner work.
Time and space my friend. Give H plenty of both. Dig deep for patience and focus on you. Remember, H cannot even handle his own emotions, never mind anyone else’s. He needs time, and no pressure. And you are doing a great job!
Sanding the trailer. I’m glad I was a positive influence. (And for you too May)
Have a wonderful day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
