Hopefully Drifting Ashore (Riding the Wave 4)

[may22]

(((WF)))

Can I walk with you right now? Can I hold your sweet face in my hands and say 'you are enough, you are deserving, you are worthy, you are loved' over and over until you believe it? Because all of that is the truth, sweet friend.

This made me cry, even though it wasn't directed at me. You are both such incredible, loving human beings. I would give so much right now to know you IRL and be able to BE there for both of you.

So I have a few thoughts for you (surprise, surprise!)

First off... it is totally normal to feel grief and anger and frustration at what he did. It was not okay. Even though it is over and you are piecing, just because you didn't kick him to the curb doesn't mean his behavior was in any way acceptable. You know that. It is okay to be angry over him making those choices. Other people are in difficult places in their lives, too, and they don't have affairs. My IC is very set on me not "normalizing' this behavior. I think your anger at the time wasted is you demonstrating your boundaries and self-worth and knowing to your bones that he was wrong. That seems like a healthy feeling and anger to me.

Also, I definitely think that being the holidays and a year out from such a traumatic time definitely plays a role. I'm feeling it today, too. My H brought up the ornament boxes and my girls and I decorated the tree this morning while he went on a hike with our neighbor. He didn't bring up the box of his stuff, probably because he doesn't know which one it is, or remembers that it exists. So we decorated the tree and all his ornaments-- photos of him and the girls, ones with his name on them, ones with his undergrad and sports teams and all the ones his family bought over the years of all of us (they like doing those personalized ornaments)-- are missing. Will he notice? Should I say anything? Or not? I don't know what to do. Because thinking too much about it makes me go back to how I was feeling a year ago, that this was really our last Christmas as a family, and then letting the anger and grief that he was really prepared to leave us, that he made me have to imagine that future, wash over me.

So... I guess to say I think it is natural to have feelings right now and I'm going to guess you'll have them until you get past the anniversaries of the worst of it. It is all okay. Of course you feel like that. Anyone would. Feel it, let it wash over you, and then when you're ready, move on.

I'm going to push back a bit on him not ever being 100% in before, and you not being able to pick up on that... maybe. or maybe he was just not as good at verbalizing all of that to you. maybe it wasn't a half-a$$ed MR. Maybe he was just $hit at communicating, and yes a little lazy and stuck in his own world...who knows. But in the end... it doesn't matter. That is all in the past. M1.0 is long gone (you know this). So there is zero reason to beat yourself up over what you did or didn't accept way back then. You both did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. Now you know more, both of you. Forgive your past self and move forward with the knowledge you've gained from all this life experience.

I know how it feels to walk the path of what if AP resurfaces. All I can say is... it isn't a useful path. My question for you would be less about what his decisions are if that happens, and all about YOU... what would your choices be if that were to happen? Do you know? I'm thinking his bio daughter is the older one-- is that right? Anyway, I would love to know what actions you would take if that did happen. (For me-- call my mom and tell her, call my other best friend (the one who doesn't know) and tell her, and tell him to get out.) Honestly knowing exactly what I will do if that happens takes a lot of the fear and uncertainty out of it for me. It would svck of course, but I have my plans in place and am ready to execute if I need to. Maybe knowing exactly what you will do if that happens will help you not to go down that path anymore. So far, it has helped me (and FWIW, that path seems FAR more likely in my case than yours. My H isn't telling me how amazing and beautiful I am, that's for sure!)

So, some advice to take or leave?

-- can you plan something fun for the anniversaries of those hardest days? maybe see your friend who will totally understand?

-- is there some big step-up in GAL you can take right now? something you've never done before or haven't done forever? I'd push you to try a little next-level GAL. You deserve it.

-- I do think you need to talk to your H about some of this. maybe it doesn't even need to be about all of this. Maybe digging into M1.0 is something that is remote enough to be easy, but he could alleviate some of your fears about how he felt about you back then-- and how he wants to be different now, even if only in how he communicates it to you?

-- I can't answer when you can share your fears about AP resurfacing. It feels a little bit like hard core DBin means "never" but of course it needs to be dealt with eventually. Wonder if Steve85 or BluWave would have any thoughts here.

-- Can you plan out what you will do if things fall back apart? At least for me that back-up plan is necessary.

Finally... you got this, Wayfarer. You are the strongest person I know. It is hard, so hard, and you so deserve to put down your burden. I'm hoping you feel like you can, soon. xoxo M