Sister, you have been a rock to me these past few days when I have been in a downward spin. Can I walk with you right now? Can I hold your sweet face in my hands and say 'you are enough, you are deserving, you are worthy, you are loved' over and over until you believe it? Because all of that is the truth, sweet friend.
When I read your and May's posts, I keep thinking about BluWave's process of piecing and how dang hard it is. And she didn't even start sharing her story until she was a year deep in piecing, so we don't even see the hardest early days of her reconciliation. But reading her posts, it's clear that she had ALL of these feelings. I bet many piecers, if they were reading, share your thoughts.
I have a hard question for you, which doesn't need an immediate answer. And that question is: what if it is OK that H's A is what it took to for him to reach the best, most loving, most appreciative, most actualized version of your coupledom? What if he needed to see your most shameful state (not that I think your actions were shameful, FWIW) and see you in your most evolved lighthouse state, and then see you go through all the stages of grief, and then come out the other side the best version of yourself? What if he just needed to see the extremes of your emotions as a reminder that you are human. Alive. Feeling. Imperfect and yet the perfect person for him?
Several years ago, I lost my Dad whom I was really, really close to. The loss was very sudden and huge for me and my whole family. My third child was 5 weeks old and I buried myself in the grief and developed undiagnosed PPD. I stopped feeling. I closed down. I started coping instead of really living. I had a surprise pregnancy with my 4th when the 3rd was only 7 months old (4th child was in the plans, but not so soon). I know that losing a mom is different than losing a dad, but losing any parent that you are close to is a huge blow. And most people suffer from that blow.
I am not justifying or condoning H's actions in any way shape or form. But I know from my own situation that losing a parent caused a shift in my R. Especially with an insecure H that needed extra love and reinforcement, two things I was woefully in short supply of for a number of years. Again, this is not a justification of his actions. If anything you (I) needed more love, compassion, patience, tenderness and acceptance during our losses. But the reality is that we married humans, whose only guarantee was to deliver the most human reaction within their capability and knowledge at the time, insecure and imperfect as it may have been.
Your H is back. He is the most loving, best version of himself he can be at the moment. Nothing has changed in terms of his ability to cheat; now or in the future. Nothing. Let that one go, because you spent 7 years not really worrying about him cheating and you get to choose whether or not you want to spend the next 7, 28, 56 or more years engaging in the hypothetical of his future cheating. 'Innocence lost,' you may justifiably wail. And you are right. But you still have the power to choose whether or not to engage with that demon.
With the most love and compassion I feel it is unfair of you to both appreciate your current situation with an evolved, loving H and bemoan the fact that he wasn't this way always. If this shift had occurred because he had some sort of trauma, or a non-marriage threatening event, you wouldn't think twice about celebrating M2.0. Ergo you get to choose: perfect H now (innocence lost) or imperfect H before (innocence intact). You don't get to keep both in your head. Let one or the other go.
You are enough, you are deserving, you are worthy, you are loved.
((((((WF))))))
Also, I would chose you to be a friend IRL if given the chance.
