May and Sage I'll get to your questions when I get a chance in the near future. I promise. However tonight I'm struggling a little bit and I kinda need to word vomit. Reconciling and piecing isn't all sunshine and rainbows.
H is a completely different man than he was 6 months ago. He's a different man than he was 9 months ago. A year ago. 8 years ago. And some days I struggle with this version of him for a multitude of reasons. Prior to the A my husband was moderately helpful, and sweet. Prior to the A we genuinely enjoyed each other's company and actiively worked at co-parenting these kids we had with difficult/absentee other parents. He did all things a "good" husband did on the surface but looking back now I think I felt it was very surface, I think maybe I knew and that's why I kept so much of myself tucked away from him. But it wasn't until we go to the other side of this that I really truly realized that he was never in this the way I was until now. H never truly put me or the MR first. It was always just a thing that made him feel better about himself and more secure. He never really did much if anything to ensure the relationship was serving me and making me feel secure. I just can't shake the sinking dark feelings I get when I think about how much I convinced myself that all of this half-a$$ love/relationship was ok.
This H is so much more open with me. He's so honest. He's so caring. He goes out of his way to tell me that I'm beautiful, amazing, how much he loves me, how much he appreciates that I waited him out, how much he appreciates me in general, all of that, is wonderful. It truly is. But it makes me wonder a lot about why I was willing to tolerate behavior below or far below this for 7 years. I mean I know why. I'm terrible at picking mates, my bar is so pathetically low. But knowing things should've been like this, not could've, that they should've been like this but weren't is really kind of sticking in my craw right now.
And once I start on that downward I start heading down other dark roads. I start wondering if he misses her. I start to wonder if she's going to go out of her way to reach him. If she wants to given how they know each other no matter how he blocks her if she wanted to she could reach him. I start wondering what she'd need to say or do that would get his attention. If she did manage to would he do this again? Would he actually leave me that time? Would he be better at hiding it? Would he not waste time this time and just go right away? No confusion. How long do I have? How long before he can't deal with me or the MR or life again and goes right back down that road?
Then I start wandering down the path that this time last year I had just asked him to go to the couch and to stay there. I was crying myself to sleep every night. I was crying in my car. I was crying in my office at work. I had set a meeting with a counselor and a lawyer. Honestly I'm days away from the anniversary of losing my absolute sh!t on H for going to the mall with OW. Thinking about that night specifically cuts me in ways the entirety of the A doesn't. So much happened in just a few hours. There were moments I completely lost control. Like entirely, I my best friend had to come with her husband and pick me up out of the parking lot so I wouldn't smash their windows. And the second she hugged me and gave my keys to her husband I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even breathe. I sobbed at her kitchen table for hours before I finally went home and went to sleep. H looked right through me like I was ghost when I came home. We never said a word to each other after me screaming, really screaming at him over the phone earlier. All of this right now is just a reminder of how much pain I was in a year ago.
Everyday is starting to feel like an anniversary of the h3llscape that was my life in Nov-March of last year. I am moving forward. I'm working every day on forgiveness. I'm working every day on me. I'm working every day on us. But somedays it's very hard to see how ok we are and not be angry at how much time he wasted. Or sad and hurt on what I had to endure for him to figure this all out. Given this was the road I chose. The outcome I wanted. I know that. I should probably be sharing some of this with H. But I don't know how much is too much or what's not enough. I know I should and will discuss this with IC but were going longer between sessions now, so I'm hoping somebody can offer encouraging words or advice or something.
