Oh sweet Sage, everything prior to this post is absolutely gold. Please read and re-read over and over when you're feeling weak.
Once again. Dealing with an unstable person who demands far more of you than they demand of themselves or are willing to give of themselves is something I was raised with. Honestly I think IronWill is kinda in the same boat but I don't have the added PTSD to CPTSD due to the trauma vets endure. But the stoicism becomes easy once we can recall all of those skills we used to navigate childhood. But for some one like you are coming into this quite blind.
The person you are dealing does deserve kindness and love as they are a human being, but they don't deserve it at the detriment of your own psyche. As DNJ said the responses you receive are entirely dependent on how that response is perceived by H and not by how you actually behaved or reacted in any objective sense. Like May said this is game you can't win. You will not nice him into reasonability or cordiality. Not even nice him back. You will not nice him into a decent co-parent or person. You need to tell yourself that over and over again. You can love him they way you love a stranger. As a fellow person on this earth. You can give him decency and respect, but he doesn't love you the way a H should so please don't give him the love and kindness you would give and H. He won't accept it unless he needs it. It's a waste of time and energy on your part to be in a non-reciprocal relationship. Your kindness and love can't be attached to the expectation that he will return any of it like a rational and reasonable person would. He is not a rational reasonable person.
Also you won't boundary and anger him into a decent person either. He will do as he pleases. He will do as he feels. He will tread on you over and over. What people don't talk enough about in the newbie section, maybe because it's too nuanced, is that boundaries are for you to draw the line in sand of what will be tolerated and what won't be specifically for you. Not as a way to teach someone how to treat you or what you are willing to tolerate. Someone in a crisis mind set like H is in right now, WILL NOT RESPECT THOSE BOUNDARIES. He will push them over and over and over again, because he wants you to be as uncomfortable and miserable as he is. The boundaries you put in place are to remind you where that line is not him, because frankly he doesn't care. But because he will constantly push you those boundaries sometimes becomes squishy just to make things easier for you in the short term. And if you let up on how firm that boundary is he will push the line further and further until you are in crisis with him. He is not a rational reasonable person.
The steps we take are to protect our hearts and our minds from these people in crisis we love so much. I know you love your husband. I know you wish desperately that you could have your family in one piece. I know you wish things were like they used to be. I know you wish you could fast forward through H's crisis. I know you wish you had a crystal ball. We've all been there, but now is the time for you to sit with where things are at in your life, and accept exactly what things are in this moment. No expectations of what you wish them to be. You are fierce and strong. You are intelligent and oh so caring. You will neither fail at single parenthood nor die alone. You will survive this. You will learn to navigate H's craziness in a way that keeps you safe and stable. You just need to trust in yourself and the process here.
Please read the above over and over and over. You need to take care of Sage first and foremost in all aspects. Frankly if you don't who will?
