Still Learning...

[DnJ]

Hello Sage

We do teach people how to treat us. However, this is a crisis individual we are interacting with, the usual cause and effect of normal social interactions seldom apply or have consistent results. Do not expect rational behavioural outcomes from an emotionally troubled person. You only can control you!

Your influences upon H may be positive or negative, that really depends upon his interpretation at the time. And we all know how dynamic a MLCer can be.

The real teaching that you are doing - is to yourself. You are teaching you what behaviours you will accept and how to navigate behaviours you don’t accept. Remember, leave H to his path. You do not want the responsibility that comes from manipulating his journey.

So I guess here is my burning question: until I reach indifference, how do I authentically (true to me, true to him) navigate our interactions that do the least amount of harm (to me, to the R)?

Let me re-quote that.

So I guess here is my burning question: until I reach indifference, how do I authentically (true to me true to him) navigate our interactions that do the least amount of harm (to me, to the R)?

Give space and time.

Focus on you. Live your life.

Follow the counterintuitive advice.

Act as if. Behave indifferently until it becomes fact.

The great thing about indifference is our emotions are lessened. Most poor choices or decisions are based upon emotions. With indifference we utilize more intellectual reasoning than emotional reasoning; that usually leads to better results.

So getting to a place of 'dim' or saying no to Christmas morning together goes against both my primal nature and the operant conditioning of my situation. So where do I go from here?

You realize the operant condoning of your situation and want to change it. Excellent.

This ties in with believe, values, and convictions. Indeed your primal nature, your beliefs, are core to you - and are slow to change. It that slow changing nature that makes these tenets such good heading to follow. Emotions can change, and do change, quickly. Following those is the bane of our crisis spouses; don’t want to go down that kind of a road.

So where do I go from here?

Get in your intellectual car, and consider, think, about your values, your beliefs, your nature. Reflect upon them. Strengthen those that you like, are honourable, serve you, and feed your soul. Alter or discard those beliefs that run counter to the view you want.

Look to others you admire, respect, and would like to emulate. Consider their beliefs and how those deep values have shaped them and lead them to their life. Consider if that is a role model you would like to follow.

Take your time with this process, this is some deep soul digging. It takes consistent effort to alter those deep held values within you. Now, I suspect most of your values will be strengthened, few will require altering, and very few will require discarding. However, the codependent beliefs are ones that do need to get tossed out.

This is along those lines of we teach ourselves how to teach others how to treat us.


The mechanics for crafting, altering, and strengthening a belief:

There are four “cars” or paths or facets of your life - physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual. Of those, one can only directly control physical and intellectual. We can only influence emotional and spiritual, not directly control them.

All four paths influence each other. Our emotions can cause certain thoughts; when we get angry our thoughts turn to anger vindictive ideas. Our physical actions also cause certain feelings and thoughts and beliefs. Consider when we smile, a feeling of happiness comes from seemingly nowhere.

Do it. Smile right now. See how you suddenly feel better?

Now frown. A deep solid frown. Big bottom lip. Good. You probably also, without thought, dragged your eyebrows down and even growled a bit. And of course your feelings followed along.

Smile again. It feels better.

Feelings change quickly. And are easily influenced. I just had you run from happy to mad to happy within seconds.

Feelings are fleeting. They are real and temporary, unless they are reinforced.

The physical car: One can purposefully perform physical actions that promote good emotions and beliefs. For example, living a peaceful life. Close the cupboard door gently - every single time. Just enough force to have it close silently and almost elegantly. That single little action, such a minor behaviour, accumulates, spreads to other parts of your life, and has a huge impact.

The intellectual car: Intellect is where you will produce the most gains. This is the wheelhouse of influence. Even your physical behaviours start here. This is the stronghold of mental assertiveness and rational thought. Thoughts influence everything.

We can directly control our intellectual self. This control produces thoughts and actions which influence our emotions and beliefs. This is the kernel of wisdom that allows one to strengthen, alter, or discard their beliefs.

The emotional car: Emotions are born with our subconscious. They are irrational by nature. Emotions are easily influenced, and often without the realization of the influencing. Feelings and emotions are a large part of what makes up a healthy person. We are rational / irrational creatures. It is needed to spend some time within this car and examine our emotions. However, it is good practice to influence when we do this, for how long, and for which events.

With practice it gets to a point where it “feels” like one can actually control their emotions. This control is actually true, the mechanism is not direct though; it is influence, and the accepting of that influence.

The spiritual car: Spirit, faith, belief, convictions, values - our core self. This is our deepest self. This binds everything else. Our spiritual path is influenced by everything we do, think, and feel; and influences everything we do, think, and feel.

Getting a handle on one’s beliefs and values is a enlightening view. It is quite incredible to actually meet yourself for the first time. It takes a very traumatic experience to knock one out of their routine enough for them to examine who they are deep down.

An LBS has an incredible opportunity seldom afforded to others. And for those who avail themselves to this opportunity, do the inner work and craft themselves - They Become.

Do make the most of it. The benefits are so worth it. One does look back upon this time, these efforts, and the changes they make, as the blessings they are.

Currently your beliefs, emotions, thoughts, and behaviours are not in sync. Imagine when they are. Imagine when your four cars are travelling together side by side and not spread out along the path. Imagine what that will be like.


I spoke of mental assertiveness. This is intellect. This is us exercising our control. Mental assertiveness is sword and shield.

Keep you sword sharp and use it to cut through the projections, blame, and justifications. Cleave yourself from H and his path. Your sharp sword is your mightiest weapon and tool in your arsenal. Use it with compassion. Use it for detachment and to find indifference.

Keep your shield bright and polished. This is your mental defence against the onslaught of H and from within. Your shield is strong and broad. It protects you from H’s rewritten narrative and your self-doubts and fears.

Mental assertiveness is your most powerful force at your direct control; and must be wielded with compassion. That caution is, like everything else, for you.

An example of the actual mechanics for strengthening and altering a belief.

Stop speak and thinking of H as a d!ckhead, and having d!ckish behaviour. Do not speak of H disparagingly anymore. This is not about H being deserving or not of those thought - it’s about you.

Remember, craft and strengthen that which serves and feed your soul.

Disparaging thoughts and comments seem like they detach one. This is short lived. Those thoughts influence feelings. Disparaging turn to resentment. Resentment is attachment. One is firmly attached to that which they resent.

You want your detachment to live within your spiritual realm, to be part of that which you believe and influences everything within your life. To detach, one needs compassion.

Remember - counterintuitive.

Compassion, understanding, empathy, all leads towards forgiveness. Forgiveness is freeing.

When one is free from resentment, vengeance, retribution, grudges, judgemental thoughts, and so on, they are detached.

This is very counterintuitive and people usually strengthen beliefs that influence those traits of resentment, judgement, retribution, and so on. Forgiveness is something that seldom is ever found.

Looking within one’s self and seeing those beliefs, and then doing something proactive to alter them, is such a good thing. A good for you thing!

Sage, I empathize for where you find yourself. The internal bargaining and attempting to hold on. (((Sage))) Believe me. Really - believe. It’s ok to let go. It’s ok.

Believe - compassion and kindness. Detachment and indifference. Compassionate indifference.

D