Still Learning...

[may22]

The net net bottom lesson of all of this is that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Niceness enhances his guilt and shame; distance triggers childhood and M trauma. I can't win.

You can win, Sage. YOU win. You focus on your own healing and prioritizing that and your children. You WILL win in this. He may be left behind as you heal and grow and become from this whole traumatic experience. That is on him. You are responsible for yourself and you have all the tools to move out of this space happier and healthier and grateful for the growth opportunity.

You're right in that you can't win with him. It is a rigged game. Don't play it anymore.

I think it is clear that I need more space. That I am getting too wrapped up in his feelings, his responses and in essence enabling his leaving by allowing us to play good friends and happy family on his terms. I just need to remind myself of Thanksgiving-- totally on his terms and at the detriment to my own needs-- hold me to this one when I wobble, OK?

okay!!!

But then the Covid exposure really did a number on me. I allowed H to gain a foothold of power over me and my detachment in my moment of vulnerability. I watched my other exposed friends snuggle in close with their partners and children; meanwhile I was imagining dying alone and it made me feel really, really down.

That's okay. Totally natural. We are in a global pandemic, FFS!! I still look around at everyone in masks when I venture out and have this totally surreal feeling, that we're living in a dystopian novel.

I bet you can get that level of detachment back much more quickly than it took you to get there the first time. Dust yourself off, go through the same processes you did before, and you'll be back in that blissful place in no time.

And during all of this I am justifying my every (quarantined) move to him a la Spanish Inquisitions. (I have put an end to that, BTW, I have said everything I need to say about my fidelity and that I won't discuss it again until circumstances change and I will hold firm to this by walking away, hanging up or just ignoring his craziness).

GOOD. Do it.

My lesson is to move back towards detachment and aim for indifference. I am so sick of this.

For me, every time i have gone through mini versions of this process, it surprises me all over again when I realize duh, I'm not detached right now. I'm trying to control things that cannot be controlled, and I'm letting those thing which are outside of my control affect my emotions and balance. And then I just go back to the basics. First, self-care-- the easiest steps, like a warm bath or a favorite show or ordering in. Then level two-- exercise, yoga, connecting with friends. Then some observing of my own behaviors and H's and my responses and starting to purposefully relax my brain, detach my emotions, tell myself to let go. (I still love that dang "you only control what you play" video!! I don't know why it speaks to me so much!!) Whatever your path is to detachment, go back to the beginning and walk the road again. It will be easier this time, and I bet you'll get farther along.

xx M