Thanks so much May, I am happy you didn't delete any of your thoughts, I needed all those words to truly understand.
The net net bottom lesson of all of this is that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Niceness enhances his guilt and shame; distance triggers childhood and M trauma. I can't win. Ugh, this is all so much work. If I didn't have these darling children, I would be running as fast as I could in the opposite direction as H.
I think it is clear that I need more space. That I am getting too wrapped up in his feelings, his responses and in essence enabling his leaving by allowing us to play good friends and happy family on his terms. I just need to remind myself of Thanksgiving-- totally on his terms and at the detriment to my own needs-- hold me to this one when I wobble, OK?
The best I have felt in the past year of my situation was during this past month of detachment. It was also the first time that H started to wobble a little. And I believe his wobble mattered more to him than me at the time... he was the one who was really uncomfortable with the wobble, and my internal response was 'oh, he's wobbling, interesting.'
But then the Covid exposure really did a number on me. I allowed H to gain a foothold of power over me and my detachment in my moment of vulnerability. I watched my other exposed friends snuggle in close with their partners and children; meanwhile I was imagining dying alone and it made me feel really, really down.
And during all of this I am justifying my every (quarantined) move to him a la Spanish Inquisitions. (I have put an end to that, BTW, I have said everything I need to say about my fidelity and that I won't discuss it again until circumstances change and I will hold firm to this by walking away, hanging up or just ignoring his craziness).
My lesson is to move back towards detachment and aim for indifference. I am so sick of this.
