It's just so tiring to me that he's taking this crazy, bitter, mean action on the one hand, and then carrying on as if we're friendly roommates on the other. It feels like it's one other thing slowly draining my energy in the background, even when I'm not actively thinking about it. I think it still takes extra mental work to exist in my reality and not his. My brain gets foggy sometimes as it tries to make sense of the interaction: I am talking to a friend; No, this person is friendly for the moment but is not my friend; I am talking to the person who used to be my H; This person is on the surface acknowledging me as a human with a shared history in this moment; but this person is also not treating me with respect in every other way; I am friendly in return not because we are sharing a moment or because this is my H but because I am a kind person etc, etc.
Does this make sense? It's like my brain is the spinning wheel of death on a computer screen, all the programs open are frozen, and then I have to reboot. I told my IC last time that I catch myself slipping back to my default trusting, hopeful nature, in which I subconsciously assume H is no longer angry and will act rationally, and then I have to check my expectations. I understand that he is living multiple lives, from multiple compartments, and sometimes I feel like I am having to do that too, pretending like no L stuff is happening while we live together day to day.
Yes, the cognitive dissonance is draining and keeping it civil in the face of this is adding to an already stressful situation.
You are not crazy. This is a crazy-making faux reality.
Keep focusing on yourself. Don't take the bait, positive or negative. He's living in his own private idaho. Try to look at him as a pod person - one who outwardly looks familiar but inside is a complete stranger. Hope this helps. You may want to think of that song every time he opens his mouth. Hard to be down when the B52s are in your head as an earworm.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
