Still Learning...

[may22]

After reading your post, here is where I think I am stuck: we are in a cycle of operant conditioning, Skinner's Box where rats are rewarded with food or punished with an electric shock and learn what works and what doesn't. So when I am kind, open, willing, evolved and inclusive, H mirrors those 'positive' qualities most of the time. When I do the inverse, H mirrors the 'negative' qualities and doubles down on the negative intensity. So like a little lab rat, I have learned how I need to behave to gain the greatest reward. And because it is in my nature to be positive, open, willing, inclusive it is easier for me to behave this way, it feels more authentic to me.

So getting to a place of 'dim' or saying no to Christmas morning together goes against both my primal nature and the operant conditioning of my situation. So where do I go from here?

Yes!! Let's work with this.

Your H has been reinforced for his d!ckish behavior also, like a little lab rat. I'm not sure of the exact mechanism in your situation-- it could either be that you capitulate and give in to him, or you get angry and snap and reinforce his belief that you're the bad guy. Either way, he is getting something out of this behavior and the interaction with you, otherwise HE WOULDN'T DO IT. It could just be a sick satisfaction that he still has the power to make you respond emotionally to him, whether positively or negatively.

What you're experiencing when you stop reinforcing the behavior you are trying to extinguish-- when he acts like a jerk and you ignore it, walk away, don't respond-- and remember, getting angry is a response-- what he is going to do at first is increase the intensity of the response-- an extinction burst. Like the rat trained to press the paddle for a reward, when the kibble stops spitting out of the chute after pressing the paddle, the rat doesn't give up right away. It starts pressing it harder and more frequently... why isn't this dang paddle working??? Until finally the rat gives up on the paddle and starts sniffing around to see if there is something else it can do to earn a treat.

And as you probably well know, intermittent, random schedules of reinforcement produce behavior that is the most difficult to extinguish... and unless you've responded the exact same way every time he does XYZ, he's on a variable schedule. The last, most intense explosions of his previously reinforced behavior will be the extinction burst and it will make you feel crazy... but it means it is almost at an end.

So. When you ignore his cr@p, and he responds with more intense negativity... STAY THE COURSE. If not, you're only teaching him that he has to get nastier in order to get a response from you.

But back to the operant conditioning: when I back off, he mirrors that only in an amplified, hurt, insecure, lashing-out-monster way. And I don't know if I have mentioned this in any of my early posts, but in our M, H felt rejected by me (SSM) and that I could be cold and aloof with him at times. So him perceiving me as 'distant' is really triggering for him. Me going dark puts him in a panic and does not facilitate growth in him (and even if he doesn't heal for our M, I am still invested in his psycho-emotional growth as he has an impact on my children).

He may be triggered by your coolness, but you know in your heart you aren't being cruel or cold. You simply aren't acting like his wife anymore, because he has separated from you.

I definitely think this is something that is going to get worse before it gets better, and like everything else, there is only one way through it. This goes for both of you. You need to break yourself of these unhealthy interactions too. And he will only learn when there are actual consequences to his behavior. Otherwise, you are stuck in this cycle forever.

Again, from a pure behavioral standpoint, if we wanted to pretend like he's a lab rat and you're the trainer, beyond simply not reinforcing the behaviors you don't want to see and reinforcing those you do-- and this could be as simple as smiling when he's being nice and withdrawing and not responding to a rude remark, simply taking a beat and then going on as if he never said anything, or as dramatic as walking out of the house and driving away, or hanging up the phone, when he's being a jerk-- the other thing you might consider is not putting him in a situation where he can screw up. For example, if you want your rat to stop pressing that paddle, you could remove the paddle from its environment for awhile (maybe taking a break from seeing each other or talking on the phone). You can reinforce an incompatible behavior-- do you notice he is usually better when the kids are around, for instance? Don't be alone with him, and reinforce his positive interactions when you're with the kids.

You also want to be very sure that what you perceive to be positive reinforcement for him, though, really is. After BD it seems to me that a lot of this gets turned on its head. Whereas you being kind to your H used to be reinforcing, it may actually be negative because it triggers guilt in him. So I'd be very careful here (and again... I can't emphasize enough that taking a break from trying to be best friends is probably your best bet, for both of you.)

OK. I totally went down a rabbit hole here, and am tempted to delete half of this but will leave it just in case it is helpful. If not, ignore it. My main point was that you're going to get an extinction burst when you stop reinforcing his behavior.

Also. It is OKAY to not worry about his mental state for awhile. As long as he isn't a danger to himself or the kids, forget him and his issues. You don't need to solve his problems for him, remember? Your job is to heal you and your children. Putting it like "facilitating his growth" is-- sorry-- just making excuses for still trying to fix him.

(((sage)))