Still Learning...

[may22]

There is something there for me with the children, as in how in the world could a smart, intuitive person like me chosen someone capable of this level of lowness as the father of my children?

I have sat with this question too, for a long long time. Still thinking about it. But... you shouldn't apologize for loving someone. It isn't your fault that he did what he did, or is still doing. It isn't your fault that you weren't able to see into the future and know that this person would be capable of doing this and that you should avoid having children with him. You didn't know. He didn't know, probably, either, that he'd be capable of doing this and if he's anything like my H, a whole lot of his mental energy is going into justifying his behavior to make his actions acceptable. That is all 100% ON HIM. It is not on you. I know this is easier said than done, but try your best to let this one go. it isn't your fault.

Maybe I can be detached but I haven't come to acceptance? I definitely feel like I have had moments of acceptance in the past couple of months, but maybe I am just swinging back in the non-linear grief process?

I agree with DnJ-- this is a very non-linear process. Unchien said to me once maybe a year ago on detachment that the way it works is that you think you're detached, and then you realize you're not yet detached and still have a long ways to go. That keeps happening until one day you actually get there. This has happened to me over and over during this process-- I feel like my pockets are full of pebbles, and I reach in and grab one out and drop it on the ground and then feel free and clear and detached, for a bit. I forget that there were more pebbles in my pocket. Then my pocket starts to feel heavy and I reach in and yep, there are handfuls to go. All you can do is keep taking them out, one at a time, and dropping them on the beach.

So maybe some of my actions come from a place of damage mitigation? That if I stay calm, remain loyal and steady, be the lighthouse, he has less walls to bang against, at least where I am concerned.

As Wayfarer says... unless you really shore up your own foundations first, you can't be the lighthouse or the storm will blow you away too.

I would actually think about this in a different way-- by putting yourself in his presence over and over, you are providing him with a nice big target wall to bang against and blame. Whenever you are there, he can avoid looking inside because he can blame everything on you. Remove yourself and let him work this out on his own. (Didn't you say the same to me not so long ago-- that by interfering with my H's ability to process his own emotions with my own silence or anger, I'm preventing him from doing the internal work he needs to do? I feel like this could be applied to you as well?)

I honestly think every time this happens, every time he is an unnecessary @sshole to you, it increases his own emotional distance from you. If he is anything like my H (and I do think our sitches have a lot of similarities) every time he does this, he knows it and it makes him feel more guilty and bad for being mean to you. That makes him distance himself even more from you because he feels horrible about it, and also drives him to the justification train where the only reason he's doing this is because you're so terrible to be around. My H has told me this was a big part of his monstering behavior and mindset back when he monstered. So don't give him the opportunity to do this. Remove yourself from the equation and give him the space he needs to do his own work.

I think May you are right in that I fear indifference. I am worried that once I reach indifference, I will leave this relationship behind forever. That indifference will close the door forever. And maybe I am not ready for that.

Oh Sage, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I felt the exact same way about my H leaving--- that would be it, I'd shut that emotional door and be done forever. And there is something very very sad about that idea. But you don't know that to be the truth, that indifference will lead you to leave this R behind forever. Or, if you do shrug off the ties weighing you down to your H right now, why can't your future look like running through those Sound of Music flower fields? That freedom from caring about your H will allow you to pilot your own ship without being dragged around by his insecurities and bad decisions? And maybe your own handsome philanthropist is right around the corner for you, too.

I know you spent some time envisioning your life in the future with a repaired R with your H. Have you done the same without him in it? If not, what is stopping you? (This really helped me, FWIW)

I'll leave you with one last thought. Your M1.0 and the twin flames you had with your H is gone. It is awful and sad and you deserve to grieve about the loss of that love for as long as you need to. But I do think you need to fully grieve that chapter in your R with your H before you can turn the page and see what's next. Honor it-- maybe some ritual will help you do this fully-- and then turn the page.

I'm excited to see what is on the next page for you. I think the next chapter should be Sage's chapter, where you can sand down the broken coupling on your trailer and fix the engine and steering mechanisms so that you can drive it yourself. Let your H work on his own stuff for awhile without you to bang up against.

Maybe a future chapter holds perfect loving co-parents. Maybe it is M2.0. But you can't skip ahead... this is one book you have to read and experience every word or you'll be stuck.

xx M