I also can't kick this feeling that he is going to come back. That we are twin flames as Wayfarer felt with her H. Our marriage has been so good, productive, loving and we have both achieved so much in our lives together, dreamed bigger dreams than either of us could have done on our own and made those dreams into reality.
Much like I told May about eating her sh!t sandwiches I'm going to have to tell you that point of indifference. That loving detachment was a survival skill for me. I waded through these murky ugly waters so well because all the techniques one has to learn to survive this are the ones I learned in childhood simply to survive. This isn't going to be easy for you. This is one of those counterintuitive things we are barked at about over and over again when we got here. Loving someone but giving them the space to make their own mistakes and find their own way is counterintuitive to someone as warm and loving as you. And this will probably be one of the hardest things you'll have to do. But Sage, you're going to have to do it to survive.
H may very well be your twin flame. He may very well come back but that requires the breathing room to do so. To do that that means no more playing house because H feels like it even when Sage doesn't want to, or isn't sure. That means not trying to skip several steps like May said and accepting where you are right now with H. Rushing to an imaginary finish line of happy, healthy co-parents who may find it in their hearts to get back together will do you no good. You aren't in a place to move forward to that, even if you miss and love H. And H isn't either. You guys need time to heal yourself. Find yourselves. Learn, grow, forgive and move on whether that's with or without each other.
I'm still grieving the loss of MR 1.0. I'm still grieving the loss of who I though my H was. But I was perfectly willing to let him go live the life he wanted. Even if I wasn't in it. Because heart broken me alone was better than confused and frustrated me living in the same house as him. Don't confuse your grief and desire to get some control over this situation.
Indifference doesn't mean it's over any more than physical separation means its over. It was over a long, long time ago. You know this. Don't rush or force a restart. He's not in a place to love you the way you deserve. And you are not in a place where you love you more than you love him. Both of those things need to be in place for a restart. The person of value trope thrown around here isn't about making yourself a person of value to your WAS, it's accepting and loving yourself as a person of value and knowing you are worthy of love. And not just any old version of love, but to be loved wholly and deeply for exactly who you are. You can be a lighthouse while protecting yourself. You have to protect yourself to be a lighthouse or the storm will take you too. Love you more than you love him if you can't stomach indifference.
