Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

hi all! Hope you are doing great! Today is S7 BD and he is spending the afternoon with W, I have a party prepared for this evening and we are going to order sushi, his favourite!

Earlier this week I had yet another negative interaction with W. When I was unpacking the kids bag, I found out S7's main school notebook (the one he uses for all but math) was missing from the backpack, so was the belt he uses daily because his pants are too loose and the sports t-shirt had 3 tomato stains on it (I spent a good 40 min using white cleaning products to get it almost entirely away). I sent a PM to W asking for the notebook as it was important. Later that evening she called me, it went like this.


W: Where were you? I called before to drop the notebook. I have found it, it was in my car. If your son forgets his notebook in the car it is not my fault, stop judging me as a mother.
Me: I dont and have never judged you, the notebook is important. Can you bring it?
W: Not now, I am out and I called you when I had it.
Me: I was working sorry, can you bring it later?
W: No, I am not going to go and get it.
Me: He needs it tomorrow for his lessons. I can come pick it up if you prefer. Will you be out all day?
W: I dont have to give you explanations about my life.
Me: I never asked for explanations
W: I will drop it by the school tomorrow morning. Goodbye
Me: Bye


I was so frustrated after this, I went for a run at high speed until my legs were hurting! I know I cannot change her priorities and parenting skills, I am so sick of this I just need to vent out here because I am sure some of the LBSs will understand me. I don't know neither care for what she is doing, all I can say is yesterday S7 videocalled her and she was in a super happy mood with her cousin (support rock as you might remember), so I imagine not much has changed in her head and perspective of our R.

I am of course NC finally and I have focused myself on exercising, doing all the muscle activities in the Multiorgasmic Man book (they are weird and hard!) and most importantly my inner changes and control issues. I got the closing bill from my L today, it is going to be a financially compromised month of December, but I am glad I dont have to see any judge or similar any time soon. The sad side for me is that we are now officially separated in the eyes of the law and I can officially proclaim my failure as a DBer (hopefully I can become a great success in upcoming movies such as "moving on", "growing professionally" and "being a great father"). I continue to check myself for changes and work on myself but aspects as jealousy or the anxiety regarding the mortgage in Germany have not changed so much, I need to work on those.

Enough of W. I have prepared some very cool Christmas decorations for the kids and bought some amazing presents for S7 that I will give him today. Things at work are good, it seems being in Spain is going to be a challenge for me to promote and grow to be a superstar in the team but I can handle the challenge. A colleague told me today if I want a life in between to cities I will probably have to change roles because my team has a very vertical structure and promotion is very problematic, that has discouraged me because changing jobs seems to bring the idea of explaining to a future manager I need to be half my life working remotely from Seville, at least now.

I am chatting to a few women that have shown interest on me, just chatting now, but it feels like a betrayal of my principles. I think it is because I have done such a poor job as a DBer that I still have ideas in my mind that I can do better, that I still have patience and that I can do more for my M. I actually was talking a couple of nights ago on tinder with a very attractive literature teacher, we ended up chatting about classic Spanish authors and I told her a lot about Dickens and Joyce. When we said goodnight she told me "I would have never believed I would end up having a conversation like this here (referring to tinder)". I asked "is that something good?" and her reply was that indeed it was. Many women are impressed about my job and the years I have spent outside Spain and the stories I have to tell, this has been a great boost of confidence for me.

Lately I have been feeling a lot like "fake it until you make it", I think if I put a lot of focus on the man I want to be, I will eventually develop traits of that personality and character, even if I cannot reach the ideal of a calm, serene, strong, confident, attractive, fun and loving man, it is one step closer.

And to close this post, I want to buy a PS5, if anyone has one and does not use it, please tell me! hahaha Just joking. I ordered yesterday "Holding on to your NUTS" after reading the new thread about books.

Thank you all, I have spent more hours than ideally worrying about money issues this month, I need to get a grip of myself again wrt that. All your advice and help means a lot to me, please keep posting.

Pack