Yes, grief is a non-linear process. And one will be in various stages regarding different aspects of their situation.
Originally Posted by Sage4
Is it because I am in such shock by this turn of events in my life that I cannot put the pieces together? There is something there for me with the children, as in how in the world could a smart, intuitive person like me chosen someone capable of this level of lowness as the father of my children? And please believe me when I say that there is not a single person in our vast family and friend network who can believe what is happening, so I am not just some blind lackey or Pollyanna in all of this.
Maybe I can be detached but I haven't come to acceptance? I definitely feel like I have had moments of acceptance in the past couple of months, but maybe I am just swinging back in the non-linear grief process?
I also can't kick this feeling that he is going to come back. That we are twin flames as Wayfarer felt with her H. Our marriage has been so good, productive, loving and we have both achieved so much in our lives together, dreamed bigger dreams than either of us could have done on our own and made those dreams into reality.
I know deep down he needs to do a lot of work on himself and I am attempting to do the same. So maybe some of my actions come from a place of damage mitigation? That if I stay calm, remain loyal and steady, be the lighthouse, he has less walls to bang against, at least where I am concerned.
Grief is about us, our emotions. Acceptance is emotional understanding. Grief progresses not by what happens externally; its progress is from internal movement.
For the most part, it looks like you are currently within bargaining and working towards depression/acceptance.
Bargaining with who or what? The answer - yourself.
Bargaining is the last ditch efforts of trying to keep our lives “normal” and return back to as things were. We attempt all kinds of emotional ideas and bargains until we step into the realization, and depression, that things have changed and there is no going back. Grief is the process of accepting loss.
Remember this is your process. Your emotional self is bargaining right now. Perfectly normal, perfectly fine, perfectly healthy. It’s a process, and not a very fun one at that. (((Sage))) This is a tough thing to get through.
Originally Posted by Sage4
...I fear indifference. I am worried that once I reach indifference, I will leave this relationship behind forever. That indifference will close the door forever. And maybe I am not ready for that.
Yes, you fear indifference. You are imagining a future event and scared about it.
True, indifference does quiet our feelings towards our spouse. We feel numb towards them. This is a healthy and needed place to be in. One really can hear themselves when all the emotional noise regarding their spouse is muted.
When our feelings do return, we are in a better and accepting place.
A few things to remember and utilize going forward:
Remember your feelings. Remember your stand. Remember it when you are indifferent.
Do not make decisions from emotions or the lack thereof. Remember your feelings do return. Wait until then to decided upon further life altering changes.
You need not decided anything right now. Indifference doesn’t close the door. It just mutes your emotions towards H. We close the door - so don’t do that. Keep standing and moving forward.
Stand for you. Standing really takes on meaning when you are healed enough to stand down.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
