I clearly am struggling more than I thought I was with everything. Reading all of your words and rereading my own journaling proves how far I have to come.
I am not a conflict-avoiding person by nature, but my soul simply cannot stand when things are negative, mean and messy between us. Is it because I am in such shock by this turn of events in my life that I cannot put the pieces together? There is something there for me with the children, as in how in the world could a smart, intuitive person like me chosen someone capable of this level of lowness as the father of my children? And please believe me when I say that there is not a single person in our vast family and friend network who can believe what is happening, so I am not just some blind lackey or Pollyanna in all of this.
Maybe I can be detached but I haven't come to acceptance? I definitely feel like I have had moments of acceptance in the past couple of months, but maybe I am just swinging back in the non-linear grief process?
I also can't kick this feeling that he is going to come back. That we are twin flames as Wayfarer felt with her H. Our marriage has been so good, productive, loving and we have both achieved so much in our lives together, dreamed bigger dreams than either of us could have done on our own and made those dreams into reality.
I know deep down he needs to do a lot of work on himself and I am attempting to do the same. So maybe some of my actions come from a place of damage mitigation? That if I stay calm, remain loyal and steady, be the lighthouse, he has less walls to bang against, at least where I am concerned.
I think May you are right in that I fear indifference. I am worried that once I reach indifference, I will leave this relationship behind forever. That indifference will close the door forever. And maybe I am not ready for that.
