I'm dropping in for a quick, unedited vent, because that's all I have time for at the moment. I'm working long hours, am not feeling as focused and sharp at my new job. I read something recently about the stress that's caused by living with perpetual uncertainty, as in the pandemic, how the brain has less capacity for high-level processes, shifts more into survival mode. It made me feel slightly better--oh, okay, it makes sense that I'm feeling less smart and less together because a) pandemic b) living with MLC H and c) I could go on. I'm so looking forward to talking to IC tomorrow. I'll also be meeting the rest of the small team I work with in person for the first time since I started two months ago—we're having lunch outdoors and at a distance. I'm looking forward to meeting them, even though I'm a little nervous. I'm struggling with doubts at how well I am doing at the job at this point in time and feeling like under other circumstances I'd be accomplishing more, faster. I'm also trying to give myself a break, because A and B and, I mean, starting a new job is always challenging for a bit, right? I think this is also partly because BD and ensuing 16 months have done a number on my confidence.
Anyway! The original reason I needed to vent is I guess tied in with all this--feeling exhausted after another long work day and exhausted from living with the MLCer kind of uncertainty, worrying about my family and Covid, etc. You all understand this perfectly. H is still acting as he has been for the last two months, polite and bouncy, for the most part. My IC cautioned me to be ready for his anger to return, and I've been a little bit on edge since I filed my response last week, and my L emailed his L. So far: nothing. Except a little Thanksgiving note from H I wrote about on DnJ's thread. And then today he showed me some possession of his that has sentimental value to him. It doesn't really matter what it is, just that he seemed to want recognition and a moment of connection, since I'm the only one here who really understands the history of the object and his relationship to it. I was in the middle of cleaning (broken glass, another story), and I paused to acknowledge what H was showing me. Part of me in my exhaustion wanted to just say, "Sorry, I'm just too tired to interact with you and pretend we are friends--remember that you filed for an annulment? How does that fit with this?"
But I acknowledged him, didn't let myself go down memory lane re: this object an our shared memories of it, just kept cleaning so I could get on to the next thing.
It's just so tiring to me that he's taking this crazy, bitter, mean action on the one hand, and then carrying on as if we're friendly roommates on the other. It feels like it's one other thing slowly draining my energy in the background, even when I'm not actively thinking about it. I think it still takes extra mental work to exist in my reality and not his. My brain gets foggy sometimes as it tries to make sense of the interaction: I am talking to a friend; No, this person is friendly for the moment but is not my friend; I am talking to the person who used to be my H; This person is on the surface acknowledging me as a human with a shared history in this moment; but this person is also not treating me with respect in every other way; I am friendly in return not because we are sharing a moment or because this is my H but because I am a kind person etc, etc.
Does this make sense? It's like my brain is the spinning wheel of death on a computer screen, all the programs open are frozen, and then I have to reboot. I told my IC last time that I catch myself slipping back to my default trusting, hopeful nature, in which I subconsciously assume H is no longer angry and will act rationally, and then I have to check my expectations. I understand that he is living multiple lives, from multiple compartments, and sometimes I feel like I am having to do that too, pretending like no L stuff is happening while we live together day to day.
