He says he can't have sex with me because he can't get over things I said or did that hurt him. However, he has also said or done things that hurt me that I've never gotten over, but I was obligated to have sex with him when he wanted it, even if it meant painful sex for me.
As a man who lived in a SSM with a wife who was unable to be romantic, sensual, or sexual, I will say categorically that this is an excuse, that there is a separate reason underneath the surface. I do believe that my ex's sexual hangups were the reason our marriage began it's slow decline in the first few months after we returned from our honeymoon. And I can only guess what the cause is, although I think I figured it out once she left me.
Your husband has anger issues and lots of others, too. Especially if he blames you coming and going. Are you certain that he doesn't have good reason for his anger? Did you stray from the marriage in the past? Does he resent the fact that you had prior lovers before marriage? Have you flaunted such?
Originally Posted by 1hedlite
For a while, we wanted to blame low T. At first, the numbers were a tad low but not definitively so. Then, a couple years later, they were rather low and maybe significantly so. So he went on hormonal treatment, and now the numbers are within normal range.
Never underestimate the rage and frustration that a man can have if his biology conflicts with his image of being a man. I had a brother-in-law like this. He had serious anger problems but they all derived from his feelings of inadequacy. He would blame his wife and his family and everyone but himself. It was incredibly obvious.
Originally Posted by 1hedlite
But more or less, he has always had a tendency to characterize the issue as a failure on my part to seduce him.
I find this deeply disturbing. He is projecting on you his own inadequacy. He is refusing to have sex, and blaming you that he isn't interested? It's good that he is in IC, he needs it.
Originally Posted by 1hedlite
I know I'm vulnerable to other men. The idea of cheating has always been abhorrent to me. But recently, a man who lives in a different state flirted with me over DMs on Twitter. I don't know his name or what he looks like, but it made me feel good in a way I hadn't felt in a very long time. It was harmless banter overall, but I didn't think it would sit right with his wife. So I told him to tone it down. And I haven't heard from him in a while.
Well, I am not surprised that you are thinking like this but should you decide to have an affair to make him jealous, or to fulfill your raging sexual desire, you need to realize that you have left DB boundaries.
I wonder if there isn't more going on here than meets the eye. Sometimes childhood sexual abuse, or date rape, can lead to huge sexual issues. Only you would know if such is the case. Not that it happened to your husband, but if an older man or woman abused him as a child, this could lead to major-league feelings of anger and inadequacy. Or maybe he has mother issues that are unresolved; especially if he thought his mother might be sexually loose or slutty after an affair or a separation/divorce from his father.
I'm going to make a suggestion that is not according to DB principles. It might not sit well with you, but it's known to work. Nancy Missler (a Christian woman, yes I am a Christian) wrote a book that said that when a husband and wife are in chronic conflict, often the best way to fix it is for ... this is the hard part ... the woman to make the first move, and the woman to sacrificially serve the man for some period of time. Even if she is the one being wronged. It really doesn't take much, it just takes swallowing a little pride for the sake of the marriage.
How does it work? Without complaining or expecting to be acknowledged for it, change your appearance, behavior, and attitude. Start dressing really well around the house, better than just your normal baggies or sweats. Wear perfume, do your hair nicely. [Stay-at-home moms tend to let things go.] Spend time making more elaborate meals. Pick up after him without complaining. Avoid the usual traps you have that lead to complaining and bickering. Stop talking about sex, and stop making overtures toward sex. Give him more of the sweet MTM kisses that you mentioned above (MTM = Mary Tyler Moore kisses, the kind of chaste sweet wifely kisses that you saw on the Dick Van Dyke Show). If you have daily or weekly routines, keep them up but maintain a positive attitude.
He will notice, of course. What you want him to finally do is, after a week or two, ask you "why are you so different?" Then you give him the truth. You love him and you didn't think you were honoring him, as a man, husband and father enough. So you decided to improve yourself a bit. And it's been fun, and I'm thrilled you noticed, you tell him.
The point here is that someone needs to break the ice with a whole lot of love and selflessness. And why not you?
Once you melt down his exterior, and the two of you can finally cry and hold hands together, now you have a view to the future ahead.
Final point -- one of the principles you should expect is that things will never be the same again, even if your marriage survives. Such would be the case here too.
