Still Learning...

[may22]

Sage,

I'm sure you read and are treasuring DnJ's amazing response on his thread to your question about the difference between non-attachment and detachment. Here is something that really struck me in/re your sitch:

Once detached, indifference can be found. And the healing that comes from not being dragged around and being able to search within yourself without all the noise from our MLCer. It’s how one finds their beliefs and values, IMHO.

Then, later, after compassion, understanding, empathy, and such we roll back the indifference. Our feelings and emotions return, and yet we are still detached.

A few things happen along the way. The emotional coupling equipment to our spouse is destroyed. We are no longer dragged around. We also become a “car”. Along those four paths - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. We are in control of our own lives. We are the driver.

I may be totally off base on this, but when I read your posts it feels like indifference is somehow a negative state, for you, or that you are viewing it as such. Maybe not. But I do get that sense, and again that you're trying to fast forward past all this pain into the compassion, understanding, and empathy space... and that simply isn't possible. You have to spend time in detachment and indifference before you can find those other emotions, truly.

I am realizing this same thing myself, in my own sitch. Scout posted a beautiful piece on forgiveness and the ingredients it takes to truly forgive on my thread, and there is a lot of similarities between that and what DnJ writes about indifference being a path to compassion/understanding.

It's okay to let go and not care about H for awhile. Are you scared of completely letting go, of what that might mean for you as a person? Can you trust that you will BECOME and the compassion will come rolling in when you're fully ready... but it isn't a process you can hurry, or a step you can skip? (Even DnJ had to go through a process of indifference!! Think of that!!)

I just don't think you're really detached. Being able to have thick skin for the little uglinesses he pitches to you is a great first step... but until you can deal with the full on monstering and think... meh... maybe feel a little sorry and embarrassed for him... that is when you'll know you're detached. Whether consciously or not, he keeps throwing his hook over towards your trailer to see if the coupling equipment is still there, and it keeps hitting the bullseye.

You can't be a driver and a trailer at the same time. You're the driver in absolutely every other aspect of your life. You probably felt like the driver in your MR too, I bet, being the one doing all the emotional work of raising the family and managing the business and household with him traveling, etc.

I feel like you're looking at this awful situation your H has dumped you in and rolling up your sleeves and making a checklist to be sure it turns into the best possible outcome (not unlike how I look at things, too). Detachment? check. Now on to compassion and thoughtful, communicative co-parenting.

But maybe there are a whole bunch of mini steps within detachment and you need to reexamine that big step and sit there for a bit, strengthen your boundaries, practice indifference, and just BE in that space for awhile until it feels comfortable and you're confident that coupler is gone for good.

I know this is so hard. We are all here for you. xoxo M