It's too bad, my STBXW would like the tom 2.0. But she spent the last few years convincing herself I was beyond repair and fell out of love with me. She succumbed to the social messages that Michele decries, that the only way to save oneself is to divorce. Too bad. Her next husband will not have learned DB principles and she will find herself in the same situation.
This is why pressure and pursuit never works in these situations! The things you do at the beginning of getting to know someone never works when the person already knows you so well. So many LBSs struggle with this. "Well, I won them originally by these behaviors........." Those behaviors will not work in these situations because there is too much water under the bridge. What can help is to back off and give them space. Let them miss you. The old "absence makes the heart grow fonder".
Now sometimes there is too much water under that bridge, or there is new water under the bridge (OP), and that means no approach is going to save the MR. But even in those cases the backing off and focusing on yourself is the right approach.
So whether there is hope or no hope of saving the MR, focusing on yourself, backing off and giving them time and space is the right approach!
Believe me, Steve, I am on board with you. With everyone. I do understand and I believe it to be true. I got religion!
What's crazy is when I look back, over those first three months, I see how I made all the mistakes you mention. Sending sweet loving emails and letters. Sending her a couple of songs by a lovely Christian couple about failure and "keeping the light on for me." Telling her that I would change any behavior, go to any counselor she chose, or accept any type of trial separation she wanted.
In the first month, she and her lawyer tried to play a dirty trick on me (it would have resulted in a judge's order to boot me from the house) but I didn't fall for it; I wrote her an email a few weeks later telling her I forgave her, and understand why she might have wanted to try it. She never replied to a single email or text. I had the kids for that first Thanksgiving (60 days after D-Day) and invited her to come, for just food and laughs, no discussion; she never answered. I invited her to my choral performances (I am a choral musician as an avocation and had recently jointed a very prestigious chorale) but never got even a hint of a reply.
I didn't do anything dumb like call her sisters or best friends; I knew exactly which ones would have known everything in advance.
About the only thing I didn't do is send her photos from our wedding by text! But then again, even I am not that much of a numbskull.
To me it was the utmost in sincerity. To her it was too little too late. She had checked out months, perhaps years earlier, and had been pushed to the breaking point.
