Losing my mind over my sexless state of marriage.

[SteveLW]

Steve,

Yes, I absolutely have internalized it, and I'm going nuts. It colors my whole world. The thing is, my husband tells me outright it's my fault. He says my personality turns him off. I admit, I am angry. You know how someone might say about someone else, "She's always so uptight. She needs to get laid"? Yeah. I'm a married woman, the wife of a handsome and able-bodied man, and I haven't gotten laid in nearly 2 years, and I am angry about it. The more we go without sex, the angrier I get, the more righteous of a position he's in to say it's my fault he can't have sex with me, and the more we go without sex. It's a vicious cycle.

Would you say that being angry makes you more or less attractive to him? I was very angry and bitter about our SSM too. And then I realized through watching the bald TV psychologist from Texas that my reaction to our SSM was further cementing our SSM! In other words, being angry, bitter and resentful wasn't working for me!

Drop the anger. It is exacerbating your problem, not helping it. It is like using motor oil on acne.

He says he can't have sex with me because he can't get over things I said or did that hurt him. However, he has also said or done things that hurt me that I've never gotten over, but I was obligated to have sex with him when he wanted it, even if it meant painful sex for me.

Drop the pariah act. Truth is that there is plenty of blame to go around. You aren't an innocent victim in this, nor is he. So stop trying to play the "he did it first" game. Again...motor oil on acne.

For a while, we wanted to blame low T. At first, the numbers were a tad low but not definitively so. Then, a couple years later, they were rather low and maybe significantly so. So he went on hormonal treatment, and now the numbers are within normal range. But more or less, he has always had a tendency to characterize the issue as a failure on my part to seduce him.

These things are very complex. And I also do not like "ranges" for things like this. One man's normal is another man's low T. I know the medical profession spends a lot of time on ranges. But trying to fit all humans into the same box doesn't work. I knew a woman that lived into her 90s with triglycerides (part of the lipid profile) in the 1000 range. Drs will tell you that if you don't keep your triglycerides below 200 you are going to die earlier. Maybe she would have lived to be over 100 if she had lowered them. The point is that the "normal" ranges aren't foolproof.

Does he blame you for that WHEN you bring it up. Or has he just said out of the blue. "You know, if you were better at seducing me...." My guess is that his comment on your failure to seduce him was a defensive response to you brining the problem up.

My husband is in IC. However, I wouldn't be surprised if terms like "divorce" and "co-parenting" and "50/50 custody" get bandied about there. As far as our relationship is concerned, anything unpleasant is always my fault, and I'm sure his experience in IC just serves to drive that home as well as what a terrible wife I am. He does not have the introspection, self-reflection, self-awareness it takes to own up to anything unpleasant with regard to me or our marriage. He would rather blame me. This has always been an issue. I will probably say more about that later.

This is pure conjecture. Most ICs are pretty good and sifting through the blaming, etc. Be glad he is in IC, so many LBSs would kill to have their WASs in IC.

Yes, he absolutely is walking around with the weight of the world on his shoulders. More about that later.

This is why the less pressure you put on him, the better.

I know I'm vulnerable to other men. The idea of cheating has always been abhorrent to me. But recently, a man who lives in a different state flirted with me over DMs on Twitter. I don't know his name or what he looks like, but it made me feel good in a way I hadn't felt in a very long time. It was harmless banter overall, but I didn't think it would sit right with his wife. So I told him to tone it down. And I haven't heard from him in a while.

Avoid this like the plague. Nothing complicates a R with someone than introducing a new person into it. If your MR ends in D, there will be plenty of time for this later.

I always thought the DB book was like a "new and improved" version of DR. Are they very different?

I believe it is the other way around. DR is a new and improved version of DB. We typically recommend reading both, but definitely reading DR.

The day after our fight, my husband was outside doing yard work all day long. I took our toddler to run an errand and go for a walk in a touristy part of town. Shortly after we got back home, my husband walked in the door. Usually, after a fight, it is awkward between us, and we kind of avoid each other. But for some reason, when he walked in the door, this thought came to my mind out of nowhere along the lines of: What if my son had a wife he didn't want to be with, and what if his wife rather disliked him too? It made me have compassion for my husband in a motherly fashion, and I gave him a kiss, just a peck on the lips. I swear it wasn't pursuit. He seemed to appreciate it. I was on the verge of tears, but I don't think he noticed. We've been getting along overall, but I still get edgy. I'll try harder to not get edgy.

I have no problem with this. Maybe it was a little bit of pursuit (since you initiated) but your sitch is a tad different than others here. I would certainly recommend talk and touch charges (google them). Especially talk charges. You guys are missing a connection and subtle ways to reestablish that could help.