I've done lots of soul searching... journaling... I've even dug up issues from my past. Painful things that happened in college (physical abuse from a boyfriend/date rape from a supposed friend) - I left with my doctorate degree and left my closest college friend and the guy I was supposed to marry behind. I never looked back. I've revisited my parents divorce and my dad's subsequent 2 additional divorces. My terrible relationship with my mother that went on for years.
I'm not afraid of being alone. I did it for years. Was a single mom of a special needs child, worked 50hr a week to keep a roof over our heads but never missed the weekly 3hr of appts for my S. Took long lunches to spend more time with him during his waking hours and worked later when was sleeping. Bought my first and second house as a single woman. I know how to be alone. I'm about as strong and independent as they come.
I put myself in working out to get out those hard emotions - it paid off. I'm down 35lb. A sweet guy friend is continuing to push me to get me down to less than my college weight... LOL.
COVID has pushed me to its limit. Being an empty nester has pushed me to my limit. I need to get out. I spend my free time chatting with Alexa... I may break down and get a google home just to increase my circle of friends. All my active groups are now virtual Zoom parties which frankly get sooooo old after a bit.
I'm having fun.
I'm thinking about my H so little these days. I'm also thinking what could he possibly do that would make me even seriously consider fixing my M? There is ONE thing. Its not something I think he's remotely interested in so it will not ever happen. I'm letting my H go. Isn't that what everyone pushed me to do? He isn't coming back - its been 10mo and he has OW.
I'm focusing on me and what makes me happy. I'm not perfect.
I've a trip planned with S19 to see SS20 - who as of yesterday had a massive set back in his own life so I reached out and let him know that his dad, mother or grandparents would take a call from him at anytime... and I reminded him that while it may be an awkward time I'm still here for him. He can call/text anytime day or night and I will be there for him.
I'm not trying to justify my choices.
I listen to everyone who tells me how broken I am... so I listen and say ok - I will embrace the hot mess I am and love myself anyway. To me it feels like a normal part of the journey of finding myself. Who is KK??? I knew who I was in high school, college, after college, as a single mom, as a married woman... but who am I now??? Getting out there and getting a life I'm trying to find out who I really am at this point.
