Still Learning...

[may22]

I am really digging into my soul and questioning my own motives: am I back to trying to 'nice' him back? There is really no other person on this planet I would allow to treat me like this and frankly no other person on this planet who would even consider treating me like this. And I have split my soul open looking for all the terrible, dark, mean sides of myself, the sides that would be deserving of being abandoned like this, cleaning up as much of my side of the street as thoroughly as I can. And I still can't find justification for what he is doing. I am not perfect, but I am nowhere near the devil incarnate he makes me out to be when he feels justified to do so.

Are his actions a projection of how he feels about himself? Or do I need to continue digging through his muck to find those threads of truth about myself?

Sage, my heart is hurting so much for you right now.

This is not on you. This is entirely on him. The idea of you spending time trying to figure out what is wrong with you to answer why he is acting like this... oh Sage. It really is making me feel something like despair.

What does your IC say about this?

I truly think more space and time from him will help both of you. Maybe it is easier for you to do this if you think about it less about being something you need to do for yourself, and rather think of it as something you're doing for others-- it being less confusing for the children and giving him the space he needs to not monster. The more he does this kind of thing the deeper he digs his own hole for himself.

But really, you should do it for yourself, because you don't deserve to be treated this way, you don't want your children to see their father treat their mother this way, and there is absolutely no reason to give him this power over you. You need to put yourself first for awhile. What happened to not your circus, not your monkeys? You're letting those dang monkeys in the house. Keep them outside.

(((Sage)))